Thursday, December 30, 2010
And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me
Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over
And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time
Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no
Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am
Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months
Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up
Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
On the weightloss front, I'm going to keep Friday as my weigh in day. Last time I got on the scale I saw 185. Not a huge loss or gain from the last post in October and given that its the holiday season and the stress I'm under I'm not disappointed with it. I know that I will get back on track. The DH wants to start eating better and exercising and I hope that he means it because it would really help to have a partner.
This is going to be a boring update because not too much is going on, but I need to get back into the habit!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
I'm ready for 2011. 2010 was filled with too many unknowns. Especially the last 6months. So here's to fresh starts.
Friday, October 15, 2010
- 188.2!!! Goodbye 190's! I'm so relieved. I was so nervous getting onto the scale this morning, because I thought those 180 numbers were a fluke the other days. So, minus the heartburn that I'm experiencing which I hope will subside, this fill is definately working. I feel a lot of restriction and its helping me to slow down and be more mindful. Since I know that I can't eat as much I find myself saying "Self, you can't eat much. Do you really want that _________(insert junk) or should you just eat your healthy lunch that you packed?" Don't get me wrong I still indulge but its usually something I really want, or after I've eaten my healthy stuff. Hopefully this fill will last longer than the others.
- I'm still working on getting the pictures for Jen to redo my blog. Its hard to find pictures that I like. I didn't want to be the fatty that puts pictures up of things because I hate how I look. I also didn't want to bombard with pics of my kids for the same reason. So I'm trying to come up with things that describe me or have meaning. Bear with me, I'll be working on that this weekend.
- On my last post. Dizzy's comment struck my heart. I'm not really ready to talk about it. Maybe I'll do a vlog so its not so long. Right now in this moment I can't. For the record though, I'm not upset with my husband. I know that he wants the best for me and I know that his heart is in the right place, because mine was when I asked him to get on meds. I know in my head that there is nothing wrong with medication. Thats why we have it. Maybe its admitting that I need it that I have trouble with. This is more of a vlog. Tell me now to stop talking. Please.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
So I have decided that I TOTALLY have restriction right now. Maybe a little too much but I am not willing to bet the farm on that just yet. I am able to get food down, I'm not sliming or PBing the only down side is I think the pain I'm feeling is heartburn. But not like the kind I had before I was banded. This is a sharper pain. But still I want to wait it out for a little while. I have an appt. with the doct 11/11 and if its still bad I may have him take a smidge out, but for now I will deal.
Tomorrow is weigh in day and I'm shooting for those 180's. They were still there this morning so we'll see. My exersise this week has been limited, but I am eating pretty well so I feel good about this week.
For something deeper. My husband told me last night that he thinks I should call the dr. and get back on some depression meds. I don't know how I feel about this. He wasn't being mean or rude, he's on them himself. But it makes me feel like less of a person somehow. I know that this is stupid considering advice that I have given out myself. But like everything its harder when its you. I'm still trying to process the comment from him. If I think about it long enough I burst into tears. So I try to ignore it, or make excuses. Some days I wonder what would happen if I just kept driving. Drive until I run out of gas.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
The day brings many surprises. For example, I was informed this morning by my boss that I don't know my "place/role" in my job. Uh-huh. I'm not sure if she is just trying to push my hot buttons or what but she is doing a good job at trying!
Also this mysterious pain, I hate to says it but I think its from my last fill. I'm not ready to say that I'm too tight yet because I can still get liquids and food down, I just think I haven't adjusted the slower eating part. I do eat slowly, but I think this fill may be the sweet spot so I need to slow it down more. Baby bites.
Last night I walked a mile point something something. Something, Something because I walked over to the park instead of driving and I took a 15minute walk at work. I'm not to hard core about the numbers, I just want to know for now that I did something. My fidgety daughter has cheerleading tonight pending she doesn't have a yellow or red day at school. She's been getting in trouble for being chatty, fidgety and playing in the bathroom. I'm not sure how I feel about her teacher, I didn't care for her when I met her. I have a lot of teachers in my family so I'm not making excuses for how my kid is behaving-please make no mistake that she does get "punished" for having bad days in school. I just question whether or not the teacher is patient. When I met her, for a kindergarten teacher she really wasn't all that friendly. She's fairly young-around my age. And when we got the progress report she did not request a meeting or give Maddie any bad grades, so I may be writing her a letter. I guess I'm sort of a snob about this because I do have so many teachers in my family. I'm also extra sensitive to Maddies behavior because of that.
I wish I had more profound things to say!
Monday, October 11, 2010
In the morning my band is tighter no shock there. So in the morning about 5:30am-9am or so I stick to liquid. Protien shake, coffee and water. But I feel a pain in my stomach and I'm wondering if its the cold liquids. Its like I want to eat but I know that I can't. Does this happen to you? I could be totally off. Its almost like hunger pains but mainly uncomfortable.
PS, this morning I saw 190.6! Mother Effer, I need to kick it into gear this week so I can see the 180's!!!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Overall it was good, she was not a complete exersise nazi so I was thankful for that. We walked about 2miles. I'm trying to keep a log for her of food and exersise. I say trying because I stink at writing down everything. I forget easily. Of course since I haven't worked out in what feels like forever I got a cramp in like the first 5seconds!
I've been drinking that Click protein shake in the morning instead of the ice coffee to get some nutrition and its ok. I think it tastes better hot than cold so I have to wait until I get to work to have it. I'm going to order the vanilla next. I've also been making it with FF milk to get a dairy in. I snuck in a weigh in today and it was 192! I can't count anything until tomorrow the official weigh in day-but Holy you-know-what. This is uncharted territory. I'm kind of excited to see those 180's. I really don't remember the 180's. I remember meeting my DH at 174. That was 11 yrs ago.
This post is scattered and mainly just to jot stuff down. Happy Thursday!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Last night was one of the best nights ever. I have been explaining to my husband for what feels like FOREVER that I am overwhelmed. Things stink at work, I'm always doing all the housework, the cooking, the errands, the kids stuff-ya know the same as every other mom. But there are times that I crack. When it all gets so overwhelming that we have to have a come to Jesus meeting. The down side is they don't really work. He will help out for a little while, but it doesn't last long and things go back to the way they were. Kind of a vicious cycle.
But recently he's been super sweet. I asked him if he was dying-then I asked if I was dying! LOL. He is a sweet guy, but he's usually not as verbal as he has been. Ok so to the shout-out. Over the weekend I came up with a schedule that I read out to him with things for him, myself and the kids to do. He had a glazed over look so I totally did NOT think he heard me. Well, I was wrong. When we got home yesterday he had thrown in a load of wash, emptied Maddie's back pack, helped her with her homework and packed her backpack. I know it doesn't sound like much but even if it only lasted that day it was great.
Exersise Plans: My youngest sister, the skinny bitch, is studying to be a phys Ed teacher. She is also getting her spin instructors and personal training license. So I decided that I should reap the rewards of her fancy education and she is going to train me 2x a week! Tomorrow is the first day. I'm excited......I hope this will help keep me honest. I want to lose 15 by the end of the year-
Ok, I have talked enough for now!
Friday, October 1, 2010
1. Are you late, early or on time?
Early or On time. I hate people who are late. We may cut it close sometimes but I hate being late!
2. Name 3 things you dislike and 3 things you like:
Dislike: Bills!!! Working and bugs
Like: BLING!!! Things that are pink, and Fall
3. Are you a morning or night person?
Morning, but I need a full sleep to be my best self. I can't wait until the kids start to sleep in, I'm only asking for 7am-not too much to ask.
4. What is your favorite clothes store?
Right now I have been able to hit quite a bit in Old Navy or Macys the Style and CO. brand. I wish I had a little more variety. Walmart has some cute stuff for cheap I find that Targets doesn't really wash well.
5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in life and in blogland.
I miss Chicago. Everything about it. The weather, the people, the walking, the laughing. It really recharged my battery. The weather made me miss my family and where I'm from, and that then sent me into a mini depression knowing that I won't get that back. But that always happens. Whenever my family visits and then leaves I get depressed. I should be used to it by now. Getting back to real life is always hard after any trip so this week has been a bit of a blur!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
According to the Dr.'s scale I have lost 40% of my excess weight!!! You can't see me but I am doing the happy dance! I had no idea that it was so much. The best part about the whole thing is that I haven't gained anthing back. Even at times when I felt I was struggling I was still on track. You have no idea how shocked I was when he gave me the info!
I was telling him and the ladies in the office about the BOOBS trip, and they thought it was as awesome as we did! He suggested that at the next one we contact Allegran (sp?) and see if they would sponsor anything. I couldn't stop myself from telling everyone about the trip and how much we had lost. I find it inspiring.
He gave me a fill, thank god. I feel great restriction in the morning but it wears away after a while. This makes fill #6 for me. Thanks for all the birthday wishes! So far this birthday has been a great one, except that I'm at work!!!!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
I don't want to fire anyone else up either, this was more of a vent/statement than anything else. We've spent the majority of our lives being judged, today on the news another kid killed himself because he was being bullied. I'm not saying that the situation is that drastic here on the blogs, but it shows that what you say/do matters to someone. It never killed anyone to be nice. And maybe thats just a pipe dream, but since my bday is tomorrow you should give it to me!
Monday, September 27, 2010
It was so surreal to meet everyone in person. We have been so intimate on the blogs telling each other some of our inner fears and doubts. Lets face it, these blogs are not only about weight loss they are about our everyday lives. I have never in my life felt so supported than I have these last 6months blogging.
Everyone that I met surprised me. I wish it could have been longer and that we could all just live together! I forget who mentioned it, so I can't give them credit, but one of the ladies compared it to being in a sorority. And it really was. I hope that we can do these types of events again. The women did an amazing job putting all of the details together so I want to give a little shout out to the planning committee. I know that after this weekend I have made some real friendships.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
A group of girls at work are getting together to go so I am borrowing my sisters bike and giving it a whirl. I have not been on a bike since I was 11. Good Lord. What if I break her bike? Oh, God. What am I thinking? I hope I don't bite it. That would be embarrassing, of course I've done worse to myself in public.
They have tried to explain it to me but I don't understand why bikes have gears. The last bike I rode had had brakes where you pedaled backwards. What if I forget how to break? I think I'm crazy. One of the girls is a former fatty who got thin/fit the old fashioned way and looks amazing. She has threatened me with push ups if I whine any longer. Did I mention that I hate her?
Actually is it horrible that I like her more since finding out she used to be a fatty?
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
Band news: I'm down to 194.8. I should be following the rules better, but its a work in progress! I'm so nervous for BOOBS. I don't know why-I think I'm socially retarded. LOL.
Better get back to work, I'm going to try to vlog later because I dyed my hair, but I feel like its not quite the right color so I want some feedback! Til then.................
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Thank you so much for your comments yesterday. They meant more to me than you know. Each one of you was right on. Its such a weird and complex journey. The silly part is if I read this post on someone elses blog, I would be saying the same things that you guys said. So why can't I say it to myself?
So, I'm pulling up my big girl panties and moving forward. Thank you for the kick in the ass. I needed it. I'd like to be in the 180's for Chicago so here we go!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
I have re-written this post for what feels like a thousand times. Each time I write it I think I sound like a whiner. I feel like I am spiraling out of control with this process. I can't seem to deal with the head hunger or get myself to work out. I tried packing/planning all of my food yesterday and wound up binging anyway. I wasn't even really hungry. I'm disappointed that I haven't lost more weight, but at the same time I know I wouldn't have lost any had it not been for the band.
I feel a lot of fear right now. I'm afraid that this is not going to work or that I will never feel restriction. I'm afraid that I will never be able to just put something down when I'm not hungry. Sometimes feel like I want to scream. I try to remind myself that slow and steady means that you have made real life changes, not fad diet changes but I can't help but want it to happen NOW. I read everyones blogs about their 5k's, spin classes etc. and I'm envious. I don't know what my issue is. I don't want to join a gym because I don't feel comfortable in places like that. But there is plenty that I could do at home, its just that there is always an excuse. I feel like people who know I've had the band are staring at me. Judging because I haven't lost more-how could they not when I judge myself. I was watching that show Too fat for 15, and I couldn't get through the episode. It made me cry to see these kids with serious weight issues. I'm so afraid that if I don't make changes my kids are going to be fat. I don't mean to sound shallow, but I don't want that for them. Not only for the health risks but the social ones too.
Honestly I don't know why I'm posting this or what to do. I just need to get it off my chest.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
I'm going to call the Dr. today and see if I can get a fill. I just feel like I can eat anything I want. I need some restriction. I just need a little something to help me get through this hump. It makes me feel like I'm cheating. Isn't that weird. I got the band because need the help and now when I get fills I feel like I'm cheating. I just can't balance work, home and me time. I know that this will pass and I will get there I just don't see the way out right now. I think that that was part of the reason I stayed away from the blogs for so long. Almost like I didn't feel good enough to be here when I wasn't doing the work.
I'm so glad that its almost Friday. I need the weekends to regroup in my head. Right now there aren't any big plans but thats ok with me. Enjoy your Thursday!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
This past weekend my mom, my two sisters and I all got a tattoo together. I'll post some pics later. Its around the ankle, hurt like crazy but we love it. We had the tattoo guy cracking up the whole time. At one point I said that they should forget the Kardashians and start taping us! My mom has the kids until Wed night. So excited for a mini break. Then in the middle of the night last night our A.C. broke! Of course!! But you know what that means-out to dinner for me! Hopefully they can get it fixed today.
On a band note, things have been stagnent. It stinks, but its totally me. My heart has not been in it due to some stress. I'm trying to make better choices and I haven't gained anything back but I am holding steady at 196-197. The job has been awkward. The new boss is treating me nicely so far, it could be because we are on a hiring freeze. ha! But it has been extremely awkward with the old boss. A lot of drama. They are also still making decisions as a company to sell us so we don't really know whats going on with that either. My internet time has been limited which is another reason its been hard to blog. There is just so much uncertainty here right now, everyone is playing survivor.
Hope to vlog later with pictures!
Monday, July 19, 2010
This one is going to be quick because mentally I just can't write much tonight. I'm reading everyone's blogs I'm just not commenting too much right now. I will be catching up though because I miss you all terribly.
Monday, July 12, 2010
I made the card because I didn't think I'd get to meet her at all since they have her schedule so booked up. I was having anxiety thinking that my current boss was going to try and take credit for the supplies in her office. So on the card I just wrote, Welcome to the team. I put some supplies in your office if you need anything my extension is_____. Not too cheesy but to the point.
Oh, and P.S. when my current boss did introduce to the new boss she TOTALLY tried to take credit for the supplies so I'm glad I wrote the note. I'm so glad I stocked up on the the buy one get one cranberry juice sale to go with my Vodka!!!!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
I'm actually starting to feel better about the way I look. Its weird, but I'm not running from mirrors anymore. Not that my journey is done-trust me I know I still need work, but for the first time I don't feel so hopeless. And that feels pretty good.
I have this huge list of things that I want to do now. To the house, for myself. Its almost never ending. Brian (DH) thinks I have ADD because I move from one thing to the next. But what he doesn't get is that I've always wanted to do these things, I've just never felt good enough about myself to do them. Its like I didn't deserve them in some way so I never talked about them. I've started/continued to clean out the clutter at home. Slowly but surely I'm working on it. I actually went shopping last weekend and got a new shirt and sunglasses. I never go shopping for myself, especially clothing. I usually only buy accessories because they are one size fits all. I'm playing around with my makeup more than I used to. Trying new looks. I'm really wanting some hair extensions! They're really expensive. I found "Hairdo" by Ken Paves and Jessica Simpson that are clip in pieces that I might try when I reach another goal. Its kind of pricey, almost $100 but way cheaper than the real thing.
Also, I know I slacked with the photo comparisons. It rained the 3day weekend. 3 days locked in a house with a 4 and 5 yr old was not fun. I love them, but I was glad to get them off to school by Tuesday! Needless to say I never got into my bathing suit over the weekend. I wanted to take the photos the same way I did the first time, but that might not work out. Okay, this is super long and I hope it made sense and wasn't just rambling!!
Friday, July 2, 2010
I weighed in today at 196-I have NO idea how that has happend. I am a stress eater and have eaten so poorly, also I have not exercised at all. But I will take it.
Goals for this week:
- I will measure my food this week. If I'm being honest I have no idea how much I'm eating at one sitting and I should. I can't rely on luck.
- I will work out 3x this week. A structured work out not just house cleaning. Which I do believe burns calories, but I can do better.
- I will continue to work on things around my house. 15 minutes per night + laundry.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Today is my 3month bandiversary! Its not my official weigh in day, but the scale is holding steady at 198.something so I'm down from 233. Thats 35lbs. I'm super happy with that loss because I know that its gone for good! I need to work harder at getting into some sort of workout routine. I've been doing well with my mini goals from last week so I decided to keep them for this week. I'm going to try to work out some sort of exersise schedule for next week. I have an appointment with the dr. today so I will post my comparison shots later. I took my measurements the other day so I'll post those too!
Friday, June 25, 2010
I may do a vlog later to update on my job situation because things have gotten a little worse. I use that term relatively. Actually I'm not sure how I've made it through this week. To give you a preview, my current boss told my new boss (who I haven't met) that I'm negative, I struggle with the job and I'm inconsistant. How do I know this? Oh, my current boss told me she said it. Yep, you read that right. Its definately a vlog worth story. Since getting all of the information I have been a little down in the dumps. I haven't been commenting on the blogs, but I have been reading them. I promise to start comments soon. I'm going to catch up this weekend. I'm so glad its Friday. I need a break from seeing certain peoples faces.
Just a warning the vlog may be a buzzed vlog and may have cursing. You have been warned!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
I have been having some really bad days lately. I got into an argument with a co-worker who is a friend yesterday and I wound up crying-twice. Mainly because I was so angry. We are fine now and the issue is over but I hate that it even started. Draz talked yesterday about fitting in with your family, I don't feel like I fit in at work. Its hard to spend 8hrs a day here. My current boss doesn't really let me help with things unless they are crap jobs like photocopying. I've had the conversation with her several times, I've reached out across the network to other administrative assistants (we are a national company) to get their advice and ask what their daily list looks like and have taken ideas back to my boss, but she won't budge. She says she just doesn't have anything to give me. So I get stuck with all the stuff no one wants to do. And I know that I am capable of more than that.
I also don't have the same background as everyone here. They are all college educated and PHD's. I'm more of a learn on the job girl-street smarts etc. I think in a way they look down on me for that. No job will ever be perfect, and I think that I've dealt with jerks at every job I've had, but this is really the one time I've never really felt part of the team. Maybe this will change with the new boss coming in. I've tried applying for some jobs outside the company but we all know what the market is like and I haven't heard anything from any of them. I think its just bringing me down. As much I would like to be guarded, I wear my feelings.
On a high note, I have been sticking to my goals so far and have done pretty well with my eating. I have had a cupcake and that pesky twix bar but the scale said 198.4 today so I'm happy about that. I almost did a vlog last night, but I had a glass of wine and was a little buzzed.
As always thanks for letting me vent. I appreciate the outlet.
Monday, June 21, 2010
- Plan, Plan Plan
- Excersise or do something for 10minutes a night (I know this isn't intensive but I feel like to get back into the swing of things I need to start small and focus on some consistancy)
So today, I had some Fiber One pancakes with blueberries in them, a few ounces of cheese, 2 slices of chicken with cranberry sauce and 1 slice provolone cheese and a twix. I didn't plan the twix but this has been a shit*tastic day at work. Bad stress eater. But whatever it was what it was. :P
Tonight the plan is to hit publix for dinner, spend 15 minutes cleaning out a room that is a disaster, 1 load of laundry and FINISH the dishes! I have a habit of leaving them to "soak" since the dishwasher busted. I'm trying to make a to do list each day too. Maybe it will help me focus?
Go over to this blog! Shelly is celebrating her 4 year post surgery anniversary and birthday! And to celebrate she's giving away an ice cream maker! AND she has recipes for protein ice cream that look delish!!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
1. If your heart had a singing voice, whose would it be?
Someone who really can't carry a tune, think Cameron Diaz in my best friends wedding.
2. What is your most disgusting habit?
Total popper and skin peeler.
3. Carmen and Drazil were talking about Chicago and their fears...for those of you going (and those of you not you can answer as if you were going)...what is your biggest fear?
Meeting everyone and not making any friends. I know its lame, but I worry that everyone will get a long and I'll be an outsider.
4. This isn't so much a question but a challenge. Name one thing you will do for just one day next week in the name of health and commit to it on your blog and to us.
Bring my meals to work! If I chose to go out with the girls thats ok, but it will not be out of desperation!
5. Whose blog or comment stuck with you the most this week?
This one is always hard for me because I really enjoy reading everyones blogs. I really love all the progress photos and seeing how far everyone has come.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
- I love all things that sparkle.
- I still think that something is going to grab me when I get into bed at night.
- I heart "reality" tv. Real housewives are NJ especially.
- I am the oldest of 5 kids.
- I love to make cards and paper crafts, however I never send the cards.
- I detest plain milk.
- I hate driving my loser cruiser. AKA the mini van.
And now to nominate 7-this is the hard part because I truly enjoy all of the blogs I read. So I am taking the chickens way out an nominating everyone!
On the band front and other wise. I heard from the surgeons office and the Dr. decided that he really wants someone with a medical background so they'll keep me on file. I'm glad at least they looked at the resume. And who knows, maybe in the future it will turn into something. Weight wise, I'm having massive cravings which is so weird because AF has left the building. Oh, well.
Monday, June 14, 2010
On the weight loss front, I'm pissed because I never saw 199 again! Hopefully I will this Friday! I need to stop rebelling and plan some meals. I'm not eating a lot thanks to the last fill, but I have to start focusing on my protein more. I'm starting to lose my hair which I know is a sure sign that I could be doing better!
Maddie's graduation was wonderful. I balled like a baby when we got there, but I was ok. Our family took up the whole pew (11 of us). Not to brag, but she sang every word to every song. Ok, I'm bragging! I was so happy to see that she did so well. There was a big crowd, but she had a HUGE cheering section. After the ceremony we went back to my grandmothers for a pool party/BBQ. The kids had a blast and that was exactly what I wanted. My mom, brothers and sisters left last night. This was a quick trip. It sucks when they leave. I know we can't all live next door to each other, and we fight like crazy but I miss them terribly when they go.
I know its cheesey, but this was an NSV for me and I have to share it. On Saturday we were taking the kids home and Brian said "If you're lucky, maybe you'll get some tonight". And I said "Oh, please when I get home, you'll be asleep" (I was going to the movies with my sisters and mom) Here's the NSV part, he goes "I don't know the way you looked in your bathing suit today with your cleavage I might jump you" . I know its tacky but he NEVER says stuff like that! So for him to say it was so sweet. I honestly think I blushed. 11 years together and I'm blushing.
I will update some pics later! Hope you guys had a great weekend!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
- My company is being sold. This I knew, but they have asked my b*o*s*s* (using dinnerlands trick :) ) to take a step down. What does this mean for me? A new boss is probably less than a month. Yeah, it could be good or it could suck. I don't really feel that great about it. For more details than you care to know.
- I weighed in at 199.4!!! What-what!! I am so excited, but not too excited since I can't really count it until tomorrow and knowing the scale gods it could all be in vain.
- I have off tomorrow to prep for Maddie's graduation! So much to do but I am so excited. I cannot wait for her special day.
- I went in for the ultrasound and they said they didn't see any cysts and they don't really know if they have found the problem. THANKS!! Any ways, I should hear from the dr. tomorrow on next steps.
- My bariatric surgeons office has an open for administrative duties. So I called to see what they were considering and although they'd prefer someone with a medical background she said that it would be great to have someone in the office that has actually had the surgery! So I sent in my resume! I don't know what will come of it because right now the position is only part time, and financially it would be extrememly hard. Also there are no benefits part time. But they are in the middle of getting their Center of Excellence accredidation and then their volume would go up so they would need full time. Also I would be employed by the hospital and not the Dr. directly so I think they have pretty good benefits. All I know is I need to keep my options open.
What do you think of the changing jobs thing? I know that its hard to tell what this lady would be like but I'm really scared to be without a job.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Sorry for the sarcasm. I just really can't afford to take more time off of work, but I don't know what to do. I'll let you know if I hear back. Thanks for the thoughts.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Saturday is Maddie's preschool graduation. I'm getting some stuff ready for a family bbq. Super excited because my whole immediate family is flying down! We are going to take up the whole space!! But thats what its all about right?!
So onto the crappy stuff. Last week I was having pain in my side again I figured it was another UTI so I was treating it myself with cranberry juice. I was also spotting. This is exactly what happened to me last month so I figured I would go to the dr. if it got worse. Well on the third day it wasn't worse but it wasn't better either, so I went to my primary. Had the urine analysis and there were no white cells, but there were red. So it was not a UTI like I had thought. They recommended that I see a GYN because it could have been a ruptured cyst. THANKS!! I know I shouldn't be so sarcastic but this is not how I wanted to spend my vacation time. So, I call a GYN that the girls at my work use. They can see me today (the call happened on Friday). Ok, since I'm only spotting no big deal right???
WRONG! On Sunday the flood gates opened and sent me back to my teenage years of having to change clothing. Seriously. So Monday I call the dr. back and tell them what happened and ask if we should reschedule. They urged me to come in anyway and talk to the dr. "We can always order an internal sonogram for a later date" OH, so we are already there. I don't know why I am so weirded out. I hate waiting-of course you should all know this by now. I'm am not a patient person and I hate not knowing whats wrong with me. If there is anything wrong with me. My periods have always been erratic. But never this painful. And to top it off I'm going through tampons every 1-2 hrs. WTF??? And lets not even start talking about the clotting. Sorry if this is gross. I'm just annoyed. So I'll be leaving work again at 12. The appointment is at 1, so I hope I get some answers.
Thanks for listening to me gripe. I appreciate being able to vent.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
On the home front, things are ok. I think I need a date night. We haven't spent any alone time together and I think thats why we've been butting heads lately. This is kind of rambly but I wanted to post something-
Everyone have a great Wednesday!!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
I've been eating way more than I should. Way faster than I should. I had my second fill last Thursday and I don't feel it at all. I don't know what I want from this. I should be able to not eat when I'm not hungry. I don't want to have to PB or slime in order to stop eating. I haven't exercised either. I'm going to Zumba tonight and I'm sure its going to kick my ass. I know that for me, in order to make it a lifestyle I need to make small changes. In "diets" past I would do everything perfectly for about 2 weeks and then fall off the wagon and never go back. So with this my plan was to take it one step at a time. But I feel like I'm drowning.
Why can't I break past this? Amy W.'s post last week really scared me. I don't want to change, but I kinda feel like I am. I've been wearing smaller clothes (not revealing, just not baggy), I've been doing my full makeup every day, etc. None of these are bad things, but I'm scared that things are going to change and I'll be looking around wondering what happend. I know I can't worry about what hasn't happend, but its hard. Maybe I'm sabatoging myself because getting under 200 is a place I haven't been in so long.
Maybe I just need someone to slap me. If you've hung in with me this long-thank you. Thanks for letting me vent. I know this was sort of a rambling post.
Friday, May 21, 2010
1) If you had 3 wishes, what would they be and why?
-The first would be curing cancer. It scares me to death and I hate it.
-The second would be to be out of debt. Its our own fault but sometimes I feel like it strangles me.
-The third would be that my kids live a good life. Happy with what they do and are loved by their significant others.
2)If you had all the money in the world, and perfect circumstances, how many children would you have and what sex?
This one is funny because I'm going through a phase where I really want another baby. Ultimately I would love for my daughter to have a sister and my son to have a brother. So if we could pick sex and money was no object I would say one more of each!
3) Have you ever faked it?
Yes, not often I can probably count them on one hand.
4)What movie character do you think you look like?
This one I don't know. I've been told Valerie Bertanelli, Tiffany Thiessen-Not sure if I agree.
5)Which blog or comment spoke to you?
Amy W. really made me cry this week. I think she is going through one of my biggest fears. I keep telling myself that I won't change, but I can't really be sure. I hate to see people in pain and you can tell that this is tearing her up. Its not glamorous all of the time.
Also, Draz's blog about deppression. What makes me sad is that we all (myself included) hold ourselves to such a high standard. Its so hard to admit that we aren't perfect or that we can't do it all. I want to hug everyone that had a hard week and make it even, its the Libra in me.
If I would only practice what I preach. I actually told the dr. yesterday when he asked me if I wanted a fill that I didn't know if I deserved one. He said its not about deserving anything the band is here to help you. Why can't I accept the help? Maybe that is a whole other post.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Okay. I'd better get to work. I will Vlog later gators!!
Monday, May 17, 2010
God bless being back on American soil!! (No offense to my Canadian friends, it was really just a horrible customs experience.....I was almost detained and charged with smuggling over a package of crackers. :(
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
At least I noticed it today and not tomorrow!!
Thanks guys, I had a girl at work look at it and she said it looks infected. Not awful, but the beginning of one. So my appoinment is at 2pm (they had to move me back) and I will let you guys know. Thanks!
I woke up this morning and had some blood on my shirt. I was pretty sure that it was coming from my port incision, but I couldn't see anything so I put a bandaid on it. Fast foward to now, it is definately the port incision. Its bled into the bandaid. I called the dr. and they can see me at 1pm but I'm really nervous. I'm leaving for Canada tomorrow morning. Please tell me this is normal.
Monday, May 10, 2010
- Went to my sisters with the kiddos. After a long (2.5 hr) car trip we went to the beach. I was so dilligent about putting sunscreen on the kids that I forgot myself! I look like a tourist. I kept calling myself the Lobstah Lady. Mainly my back (who knew the sun would pass through a chair fabric). My poor son, his trunks must have sunk down from all the water play and he has a little red line above his tush.
- Sunday we went shopping for my trip this week. I didn't want to buy a lot becuase I hope not to have much use for these sizes for too long. We went to Marshalls and Old Navy. I bought 3 tops........in an XL!! Shut your mouth! Yes, an XL. I can't honestly remember the last time I bought an XL and not an XXL top.
- I'm getting nervous abou this trip. I haven't ever been away from my babies for this long before. But I'm also really excited. I'll get to see my mom. We didn't always get along so I really enjoy these moments as an adult.
- I'm starting to think maybe I didn't have as much to tell.
- Ok, for a salatious topic. I totally cannot get over how much more we are having sex. It is consistantly once a week. I know that that doesn't sound like a lot, but for us it is. We used to go months, I don't know if it was because of me or him. Probably both. But now that I've started losing weight its more consistant. Which the negative side of me ponders if he wasn't attracted to me before. The rational side of me says of course he was, its you thats changing. Well then the negative side of me gets scared and says CHANGE! I don't want to change just because I'm getting healthy. :( Then my other personality yells at us all to shut up. Sex is good. Consistant is good. Change is inevitable.
Friday, May 7, 2010
I have been pretty behind in blogging this week. I'm prepping for my first ever business trip. By prepping I mean making 200+ name tags. I know, you wish you were me. We were just informed us yesterday that they are selling out company. Which could be good, could be bad. Its a crap shoot. I am excited to get to spend some time with my mom, she is meeting me for a few days on the trip. There is not much we can do about the job situation until we know more, I'm just glad I had my surgery. Who know what benefits we will have if any. They could close us completely. I'm choosing though to ignore that and put into the universe that we will be purchased by an amazing company who shares my values.
Enough crying. I went to Zumba on Wednesday with my bestie neighbor Julie. Had a blast. We are going to try to up it to twice next week. I love going with her because she laughs with me (maybe a little at me too!), but we have a blast. It really makes it worth going.
The kids and I will be going to my sisters in Port St. Lucie for the weekend! I'm excited. I haven't really spent time with this sister in a while and I miss her. I'm hoping the weather will be nice so we can go to the beach and I can get my tan on!! I think this is it for now, BYOC later!!
Monday, May 3, 2010
This weekend was sort of a bust. I finally got the hubby to agree to go on a hike and we drove a half hour to get there and the park was closed. You would think that that would have been posted online, but that would be too easy. I didn't get any activity in this weekend because on Sunday I started to get some sinus crap that is totally kicking my ass. Oh, well. I'm still not feeling great so I don't know if I will get any in tonight, I might do the 1 mile Leslie Sansone thing, its only 15 minutes but at least it would be something and I wouldn't be pushing too hard.
Friday, April 30, 2010
2. What is your all-time favorite movie and why? I love 80's movies like Breakfast club, but one movie that always brings me back is the Wizard of Oz. I used to watch it with my Grandpa all the time.
3. What’s your trigger food? I think we've established that I don't discriminate when it comes to food. lol. But I would totally say carbs are my downfall.
4. When someone you love is going through a difficult time – what are your go-to words to make them feel better – in just a sentence or two? I'm sorry is what I usually say. I also usually say "This sucks" because sometimes it just does. One of my grandfathers passed away 2yrs ago and it was really hard on us as a family. My mother in law (a southern lady) looked at me and said "Jenny, in your words, this sucks" And it did. But you do get through.
5. This one is always the same. Who is your nominee for the blog of the week for YOU? Which blog OR comment touched your heart, spoke to you, stuck with you all week? I hate to choose. I think Jen's kinda stuck with me this week because I"ve been struggling with the mental part of this journey. Not enjoying eating anymore like I used to. I also love the Amy W. got into her old skirt from HS! Makes me wonder what it will be like a year from now. And there are so many others.
As far as weigh in goes, I was up .6 So I was 207.8. Bummer, but I expected it. Keep moving forward!!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Neck was 15 inches now 13 3/4
Calves were 18 inches now 17 inches
Thighs were 28 inches now 26 1/2
Waist was 46 1/2 now 43 1/2
Hips were 54 1/2 now 52
Arms were 14 1/2 now 13
Boobs were 48 inches now 44
I'm happy with my progress so far. I just want to keep it off. I weigh in tomorrow, not sure how its going to go. I've been addicted to salt this week like no ones business!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
We are supposed to Zumba tonight-that is if the heavens align properly! My friend at work wants to walk at lunch, which is 3miles. So I think tonight I will be pooped! But I don't want to pass up an opportunity to work out with my buds.
NSV-I totally got checked out at starbucks this morning. Not gonna lie, it was nice and unexpected.
I didn't do the BYOC last week because I couldn't answer the question, "What do you hide behind". I don't like examining myself. But I've been giving this one a lot of thought.
I'm not really the funny girl or the shy girl. I think I'm the bitch. Now before anyone goes "DUHHHH!" let me explain. I think I take on the mentality that if I don't like you first, you can't not like me. I don't really have any friends other than my sisters. I have a lot of aquaintences, but not real friends. I set myself up that way though. My sisters have to put up with me because we're family-but friends leaves you open to rejection. Its really hard to even post this because I feel like I sound like a mean person. But I'm not really mean, just guarded. I have incredibly high standards, and most time people don't live up to them. I don't know how I got this way, but I do know that when I was younger I helped to take care of my brothers and sisters while my mom worked. I didn't really spend a lot of time out with friends like a normal kid. Maybe friends are out of my comfort zone?
I don't know this is getting to be a little much for me so I'm signing off! If you stayed with this one thanks! I know it was all over.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
It started off well, my neighbor and I were in our exercise gear, water bottles in hand and kids with their daddys. I had a general idea of where the dance studio was so we started driving. Class started at 6 and we left at 5:30. The studio is only 5miles from the house according to Mapquest we should have plenty of time. Whoever invented Mapquest is an asshole. I will get to that.
We started driving, chit chatting-it was nice. We drove up the rode that the dance studio was on, looking.....looking.....looking. "I didn't think it was this far down" We turn around. Looking....looking....looking. Hmm. Back where we started. We turn around again. I call my husband to see if he can look it up on the computer for me. He tells me a general idea of where it is, which is what i thought but we still can't find it.
Thank God, Julie has a sense of humor otherwise it would have been miserable. We kept cracking jokes about why the heck we couldn't find this place. So now, I call 411. They have no listing for the place. Really??? Julie uses her phone for Google. We look it up, get the phone number. I call. Answering machine. WTF? And the answering machine is in spanish. mmm-K.
Our mission was to find this place. Even if we had to drive around all night. Well, at about 6:20 we finally found it. It was across the street from where we had been looking in another shopping center. By this time though the group would have already warmed up and we didn't want to go in late. We are both so anal about being early we felt like losers. So instead we made plans for Wednesday and went and did a walk for about 45minutes. I'm proud of us for still walking after such a frustrating drive.
Now, about mapquest being invented by an asshole. They need a mapquest for women with LANDMARKS!!!!! If they had just said the the dance studio is next to O'briens restaurant we would have know immediately where it was. I don't need to know East and West, give me a landmark. Oh, its near the CVS ok, I got it. Assholes.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Chris: Mommy, I have poop juice in my pants!
Me: Whaaat? Come down here.
Chris: WAAAH. I have poop juice in my pants!
Me: What the heck is poop juice?
Chris: Its coming out my butt.
Me: Is it like liquid poop and not ball poop?
Me: Oh. Get in the bathroom.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
I'm hoping that since I have been able to eat much maybe this will jump start my weight loss. A girl can dream. As long as the pain subsides I'm going to go back to work tomorrow. I don't know now if I will be able to excersise this week. I'm guessing probably not. So back to walking it is.
Thanks for all the advice and wishes to get well. I appreciate it.
Monday, April 19, 2010
So my question is should I take something or did I pull something?
So, should I go to Zumba by myself or wait until a friend can go? I'm nervous about not being able to do the moves-either weight related or just my lack of coordination.