Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I feel like I'm failing.

I have re-written this post for what feels like a thousand times. Each time I write it I think I sound like a whiner. I feel like I am spiraling out of control with this process. I can't seem to deal with the head hunger or get myself to work out. I tried packing/planning all of my food yesterday and wound up binging anyway. I wasn't even really hungry. I'm disappointed that I haven't lost more weight, but at the same time I know I wouldn't have lost any had it not been for the band.

I feel a lot of fear right now. I'm afraid that this is not going to work or that I will never feel restriction. I'm afraid that I will never be able to just put something down when I'm not hungry. Sometimes feel like I want to scream. I try to remind myself that slow and steady means that you have made real life changes, not fad diet changes but I can't help but want it to happen NOW. I read everyones blogs about their 5k's, spin classes etc. and I'm envious. I don't know what my issue is. I don't want to join a gym because I don't feel comfortable in places like that. But there is plenty that I could do at home, its just that there is always an excuse. I feel like people who know I've had the band are staring at me. Judging because I haven't lost more-how could they not when I judge myself. I was watching that show Too fat for 15, and I couldn't get through the episode. It made me cry to see these kids with serious weight issues. I'm so afraid that if I don't make changes my kids are going to be fat. I don't mean to sound shallow, but I don't want that for them. Not only for the health risks but the social ones too.

Honestly I don't know why I'm posting this or what to do. I just need to get it off my chest.


  1. I wanted to say that you are in control! It just feels like sometimes we aren't! So what do we do? Pick goals we KNOW we can accomplish. I am not a gym person right now either. But I love my wii fit. Not just the exercise ones but even Just Dance. I add ankle weights and I sweat so I know it is doing something! Our neighbor found a Wii at a yard sale for $100 and you can rent the games! Seems expensive but not so bad when you think of a gym!

    Your posting this because you get support here and that is what you need! Chin up! and Good luck!

  2. I recently came out of a period of, I guess, binge eating. I was eating whatever I want. This whole process is hard. Right now I'm eating yogurt, but I'd rather have an ice cream sundae. At first I was nervous about joining a gym, but I've come to realize that no one is really looking at you. I'm probably the fastest woman there, but I really don't think anyone cares. Have you thought about counseling? This process can get depressing...

  3. Awww Jenny - I love you dear! I could have written this post when I was 5 months out too. The exact same words and feelings and heartbreak. I think it's a common feeling - kind of a letdown after all of the hype of getting the band and the first few months of weight loss. I was holding myself back - I didn't want to do the work. I thought I'd already been through enough I wanted to rest for awhile. I had no restriction, I didn't WANT to 'diet' or make better choices. BUT - I had to, we all do. Maybe you just need a fill - but you also need to dig really deep and keep blogging this out. Just know that you are NOT alone, what you are feeling is very valid and you are going to get through it. You will. And you will NOT fail at this.
    Think about it - usually 'on a diet' about 3-6 months out we all get sick of it. Right? We quit - we give up, we go back to old habits. Well now it's not an option. We made a PERMANENT decision to get rid of this weight - we had a tool implanted into us. That's a pretty major commitment. So think back to how you felt when you made the decision to do that - get your head around how different you are now and all of the scary feelings you are having to feel now that you can't eat away the pain (maybe this is me not you - sorry) and get your head back into the game of weight loss. Make yourself first again. If you are finding excuses not to work out at home, then that's exactly why you need a gym. If you still do not want to do the gym, reach out and get yourself a workout buddy so you'll have some one to be accountable to.
    You can and will do this. You are one tough cookie and I know you will pull on the combat boots and go kick some weight loss a$$.
    I wish I could be your workout buddy - I need one too. :)
    Hugs and Love and please know I'm only telling you all of this because it is honestly the exact same thing I wrote on LBT back in January. I want you to know you are not alone. Ok, I'll shut it now.

  4. Ok - I've tried to post on here twice now - LOOOOOOOOONg posts and they've not gone through. I'll FB you.
    Love you, Jen

  5. I could have written this post word for word right now. I am 5 months out and feel exactly the same. I have lost 48lb but that was all a long time ago now. I have stayed about the same for the last 3 months. How bad is that? And I have lots of friends that have dieted in the same time period and lost more than me. Boy does that make me feel bad! So I joined Weight Watchers in desperation. I just need some support. I am at this moment sitting here thinking "shall I bother to go to the meeting tonight?" I know I have gained this week and I feel like such a failure, and it's raining. But I am going to go and face the music. Just keep trying your best everyday and hopefully the good days will outweigh the bad. But not everyone out here is losing pounds every week and we all sit in silence feeling bad. Thanks for sharing and good luck x

  6. Just wanted to lend some support. I think, regardless of being banded, we all go through these times when we feel like failures because we KNOW we're not doing what we NEED to do. Part of any process to attain a goal is holding yourself accountable and forgiving yourself if you're not perfect. News Bulletin *** we're not perfect!!*** You'll get through this and find what you need to do to be successful because you're not hiding from it. You're facing it and that right there is a success in and of itself!

  7. AWW Jenny, I feel some of what you do right now. I am very discouraged. I am not an exerciser & in my mind the weight should still becoming off because I limit my calories - but it's not! How frustrating. Hang in there, let's hope things turn around for both of us :)

  8. You have been doing awesome! Over 30lbs in 5 months. It seems to be the progress for a lot of us. Chin up baby and start a new day!

  9. I'm sorry you are going through a rough time and I'm hoping that it will make you feel better to hear that you are not alone. I'm in the honeymoon stage right now and it does worry me a little when I read your post and see others feeling the same way. But like Jenny said, the band is permanent - we are married to it. Sometimes it will be a great thing and sometimes it will let us down, but there is no going back. Don't compare your weight loss to others and feel like you are failing. We are all different and lose at different rates - you are not a failure because you have lost weight. You will regroup and come out of this rough patch. I know it!

  10. Thank you for posting that...I read all these great blogs (which I love and am truely happy for those people) but I keep wondering when it will be my turn. When will I have that success because right now, I don't feel like I am "rockin my band." Just know that someone else out there is feeling the same thing as you and trying to muddle through as best as they can. And this is the first time I have posted on your blog, so hi! I am Angela, you can find me at

  11. This is rough! For sure! I feel the same way you do. It seems like everyone falls off of the horse about 5-6 months post-op. I have only lost 28lbs in 6 months. I thought I would be to my goal by now and I am not even close. It has been painstakingly slow for me too and it is my own fault as well. I binge eat constantly. It's a tough process. One day I wake up and I want to lose so badly I can taste it so I stick to it for a week, lose a few pounds, and then the first sign of a plateau or standstill and I am binge eating again and gaining back the pounds. It sucks! But I know we can do it. This can really work. You will feel restriction. You may just need a bigger feel. Everyone is different. Hang in there! You are not alone!

  12. Awww, Jenny! Don't beat yourself up, girlfriend! You've got a lot on your plate with work -- sometimes we just have to put certain things on the backburner, ya know? It took me so so long to get the weight loss going for myself... it will happen. You CAN do this!

  13. DITTO........
    I have found that like my hunger my feelings of failure change every day. Feel the felling and let them go, PUFF

  14. Seems a boat load of bandsters are in this bad place right now. Just keep posting and we'll all help each other through it.

  15. The fact that your posting tells me you will be ok Jen! Lord knows we all have these moments but we will get through them. Make an appt. with your surgeon and go in for a fill. You need to get restriction! Love ya and lots of hugs!

  16. I think we are twins because I feel the EXACT same way! I am discouraged too and feel like I am destined to be fat FOREVER! I am hopeful that we will get through this.

  17. This is the reason why we have blogs. I am so glad you posted about this. The thing is, as I think you can tell from all the comment that at one time, we all have been right where you are. We were scared. We were binging. We thought this would be another failed attempt. And that is a super scary place...bc its one of our greatest fears...that we did all this for nothing.

    But you didnt do all this for nothing. You are not going to fail. RIght now, pigging out is not productive, but it happens. And you will start feeling better and regain control. But there will still be pig out sessions. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and was eating ice cream out of the damn tub in the dark of the kitchen. We are not perfect but we sure expect perfection sometimes.

    THis is a long process. We have had a fu(*ed up relationship with food for a very long time.

    As for working out. For me, I just had to start doing it. And then, once I started seeing the physical changes in my body...I kinda started wanting to do more. And now that I have Heather, I have another source of motivation. You just have to start somewhere. What I have found out about working out, and life in general, is that we always think that people are going to be better at us or judging us. We dont want to go to the gym bc we think everyone else is going to be an expert and we will look stupid. But once you start to go, you realize most everyone is just as stupid as us.

    You are doing this. Keep you head up. Start making small steps back towards the light.

    We are here for you.

  18. Don't be down! You are doing great! I promise you that everyone feels like this at one time or another.

    I'm happy to report that (for me) exercise became addictive....EVENTUALLY. Like taking a shower - I just like the way I feel after. Like with running. I don't enjoy running, but stopping feels so good. It's a slow process - I've been working out for years. Try not to compare yourself to others (it's SO HARD, right?). Start off easy and you will naturally increase the intensity. Push yourself too hard and you might feel like quitting.

    We love you weather you loose a pound a day or a pound a month! Keep blogging. It helps. XOXO

  19. Hi, this is my first time commenting at your blog :-).

    I'm a year out. I have less than perfect restriction at 7ccs. I can eat about 2 cups, EASILY. About 30 minutes after eating that I might feel full. But the point of having a band, as far as it was advertised to me, was to eat a half a cup of food and then feel so full you couldn't possibly take another bite more.


    Consequently I can and have binged like a mo'fo during this journey. And I have to really struggle to keep my portion sizes small. It is a daily struggle. And it makes me frustrated. Sometimes I feel like a failure and I think, jesus Brooke, you can't even get being banded right?

    So I started exercising. For me running was what took me where I wanted/need to be. So much so I let other things slide and now I need to go back and work on my foundational fitness... argh. But running/exercise turned out to be my antidote to comparing myself to other bandsters with good restriction.

    I try not to compare my band, my wt ls, my life style, my restriction. But it's hard not to. There will always be a bandster out there doing it better, doing it more consistently, doing it without batwings... but at least you and I are DOING it. We're trying. We're blogging. We're telling people when we get overwhelmed and that IS success.

    You're a success. I hope you remember that.