Embracing a New Path

2011 Can bite me.

2011-02-16T17:39:00.003-05:00

So this is going to be a complete rant. Feel free to skip, I'm not offended.

I have not done sh*t since my last fill. One excuse after another. If I could kick my own butt I would.
My job is still stressful and I'm unsure how long the employment will last.
We are filing bankruptcy and letting the house go into foreclosure. This is complicated. I'm ok with it, but its still a lot of stress.
My grandfather is in the hospital. We are not sure how his health is going to go. He's older and at this point he is not living the life he wants. I've schedule a quick trip to NY to see them, but its a few weeks away and a lot can happen.
We are cleaning out the house in preparation for what may come. This is therapeutic.

Thanks for letting me rant. I need to get back to the blogs. I feel like an addict that won't go back to their support group because they're embarrassed/ashamed of falling off the wagon. Ugh, I am a complainer.

Always something!

2011-01-05T07:37:00.002-05:00

Okay, so we are in day 5 of the new year and already its been exciting-not.

Since my company sold us to another company I had my first opportunity to use our new insurance. The experience was amazing. (Insert sarcasm) Now I realize that there are people worse off than me but I need to vent. Our new company has chosen a "consumer driven plan" which basicly means that I am now doing the job of the insurance company and still paying more. We now have a deductible of $2250 and then once thats met they only cover 80% so you are still paying out of pocket. So Maddies sick visit was $90! I would like to go back for an adjustment but thats going to be $150. It just stinks when we used to have co-pays of $20. And the prescriptions went up also. One of Brians meds is $95 per month because there is no generic and since he takes it every day they require that you purchase 3months at a time.

Okay enough complaining. I'm trying to catch up on the blogs but I'm having some trouble so I apologize for not commenting as much. I'm working on it because I know how much the comments mean to me. I'm trying to take the stairs at work once a day. We are on the third floor so its a little something. And I'm trying to bump my water. I ordered some of those True Lemon/Lime/Orange packets that we got on the BOOBS weekend for my waters. I feel like they are much better than crystal light because they don't have any chemicals but all the flavor.

I'm sorry this was so random, I've been interrupted 100 times!! Enjoy your day!

Reflections

2010-12-30T19:04:00.002-05:00

The end of the year always brings reflection. Good or bad it is what it is. I know that whatever happens in 2011 is up to me. I'm a huge Kelly Clarkson fan and one of her songs is really hitting home for me right now. Its called Sober. Its from one of her older albums but I wanted to share the lyrics. I think its about being sober from the intoxication of love, but for me being sober would be from the guilt and pressure I put on myself. Pressure to be the perfect wife/parent which I know is completely unattainable. I'll be lucky to get my kids through life with minimal therapy. I want to learn to let go in 2011........

And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over

And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

Getting back into the swing........

2010-12-29T17:45:00.003-05:00

First of all thank you. The welcome back really made my day. I know its silly but I was worried that no one would even notice the post. So without dwelling, thank you.

On the weightloss front, I'm going to keep Friday as my weigh in day. Last time I got on the scale I saw 185. Not a huge loss or gain from the last post in October and given that its the holiday season and the stress I'm under I'm not disappointed with it. I know that I will get back on track. The DH wants to start eating better and exercising and I hope that he means it because it would really help to have a partner.

This is going to be a boring update because not too much is going on, but I need to get back into the habit!

This is awkward.

2010-12-28T18:30:00.002-05:00

So I will just start from here. This has been a ridiculous couple of months. I let go of the blog world and I don't know why. I feel guilty about blogging again being gone so long, but I need to get back on track with things. I almost thought of giving the blog up completely. But then I thought that that would be something the old me would have done. Kind of like with the diets. Do well for a little while and then give up. I don't want to do that again. The truth is, I miss my bloggers. I could list a million reasons why I stopped blogging but I just think it boils down to the fact that I was depressed. When I get depressed I get introverted. I'll never be able to catch up so I'm just going to start over.

I'm ready for 2011. 2010 was filled with too many unknowns. Especially the last 6months. So here's to fresh starts.

Friday is weigh in day bullet style

2010-10-15T07:55:00.003-04:00

188.2!!! Goodbye 190's! I'm so relieved. I was so nervous getting onto the scale this morning, because I thought those 180 numbers were a fluke the other days. So, minus the heartburn that I'm experiencing which I hope will subside, this fill is definately working. I feel a lot of restriction and its helping me to slow down and be more mindful. Since I know that I can't eat as much I find myself saying "Self, you can't eat much. Do you really want that _________(insert junk) or should you just eat your healthy lunch that you packed?" Don't get me wrong I still indulge but its usually something I really want, or after I've eaten my healthy stuff. Hopefully this fill will last longer than the others.
I'm still working on getting the pictures for Jen to redo my blog. Its hard to find pictures that I like. I didn't want to be the fatty that puts pictures up of things because I hate how I look. I also didn't want to bombard with pics of my kids for the same reason. So I'm trying to come up with things that describe me or have meaning. Bear with me, I'll be working on that this weekend.
On my last post. Dizzy's comment struck my heart. I'm not really ready to talk about it. Maybe I'll do a vlog so its not so long. Right now in this moment I can't. For the record though, I'm not upset with my husband. I know that he wants the best for me and I know that his heart is in the right place, because mine was when I asked him to get on meds. I know in my head that there is nothing wrong with medication. Thats why we have it. Maybe its admitting that I need it that I have trouble with. This is more of a vlog. Tell me now to stop talking. Please.

Holy Restriction Batman.....

2010-10-14T14:37:00.002-04:00

So I have decided that I TOTALLY have restriction right now. Maybe a little too much but I am not willing to bet the farm on that just yet. I am able to get food down, I'm not sliming or PBing the only down side is I think the pain I'm feeling is heartburn. But not like the kind I had before I was banded. This is a sharper pain. But still I want to wait it out for a little while. I have an appt. with the doct 11/11 and if its still bad I may have him take a smidge out, but for now I will deal.

Tomorrow is weigh in day and I'm shooting for those 180's. They were still there this morning so we'll see. My exersise this week has been limited, but I am eating pretty well so I feel good about this week.

For something deeper. My husband told me last night that he thinks I should call the dr. and get back on some depression meds. I don't know how I feel about this. He wasn't being mean or rude, he's on them himself. But it makes me feel like less of a person somehow. I know that this is stupid considering advice that I have given out myself. But like everything its harder when its you. I'm still trying to process the comment from him. If I think about it long enough I burst into tears. So I try to ignore it, or make excuses. Some days I wonder what would happen if I just kept driving. Drive until I run out of gas.

Mysterious pains and ramblings

2010-10-12T13:55:00.002-04:00

The day brings many surprises. For example, I was informed this morning by my boss that I don't know my "place/role" in my job. Uh-huh. I'm not sure if she is just trying to push my hot buttons or what but she is doing a good job at trying!

Also this mysterious pain, I hate to says it but I think its from my last fill. I'm not ready to say that I'm too tight yet because I can still get liquids and food down, I just think I haven't adjusted the slower eating part. I do eat slowly, but I think this fill may be the sweet spot so I need to slow it down more. Baby bites.

Last night I walked a mile point something something. Something, Something because I walked over to the park instead of driving and I took a 15minute walk at work. I'm not to hard core about the numbers, I just want to know for now that I did something. My fidgety daughter has cheerleading tonight pending she doesn't have a yellow or red day at school. She's been getting in trouble for being chatty, fidgety and playing in the bathroom. I'm not sure how I feel about her teacher, I didn't care for her when I met her. I have a lot of teachers in my family so I'm not making excuses for how my kid is behaving-please make no mistake that she does get "punished" for having bad days in school. I just question whether or not the teacher is patient. When I met her, for a kindergarten teacher she really wasn't all that friendly. She's fairly young-around my age. And when we got the progress report she did not request a meeting or give Maddie any bad grades, so I may be writing her a letter. I guess I'm sort of a snob about this because I do have so many teachers in my family. I'm also extra sensitive to Maddies behavior because of that.

I wish I had more profound things to say!

Holy Shit!! I won the blog makeover!!!

2010-10-11T11:27:00.003-04:00

I would lke to first thank Jen for this awesome opportunity. And my gawdy earrings for always being there to pick me up when I feel down.

PS, I'm wondering if my pain in heartburn........

Does this happen to you?

2010-10-11T08:18:00.000-04:00

In the morning my band is tighter no shock there. So in the morning about 5:30am-9am or so I stick to liquid. Protien shake, coffee and water. But I feel a pain in my stomach and I'm wondering if its the cold liquids. Its like I want to eat but I know that I can't. Does this happen to you? I could be totally off. Its almost like hunger pains but mainly uncomfortable.

PS, this morning I saw 190.6! Mother Effer, I need to kick it into gear this week so I can see the 180's!!!

Official Weigh In Day

2010-10-08T07:12:00.000-04:00

191.8!!!!!

Review of the first workout w/ sister

2010-10-07T09:36:00.002-04:00

Overall it was good, she was not a complete exersise nazi so I was thankful for that. We walked about 2miles. I'm trying to keep a log for her of food and exersise. I say trying because I stink at writing down everything. I forget easily. Of course since I haven't worked out in what feels like forever I got a cramp in like the first 5seconds!

I've been drinking that Click protein shake in the morning instead of the ice coffee to get some nutrition and its ok. I think it tastes better hot than cold so I have to wait until I get to work to have it. I'm going to order the vanilla next. I've also been making it with FF milk to get a dairy in. I snuck in a weigh in today and it was 192! I can't count anything until tomorrow the official weigh in day-but Holy you-know-what. This is uncharted territory. I'm kind of excited to see those 180's. I really don't remember the 180's. I remember meeting my DH at 174. That was 11 yrs ago.

This post is scattered and mainly just to jot stuff down. Happy Thursday!

Shout-outs and Exersise plans.....

2010-10-05T10:10:00.003-04:00

Last night was one of the best nights ever. I have been explaining to my husband for what feels like FOREVER that I am overwhelmed. Things stink at work, I'm always doing all the housework, the cooking, the errands, the kids stuff-ya know the same as every other mom. But there are times that I crack. When it all gets so overwhelming that we have to have a come to Jesus meeting. The down side is they don't really work. He will help out for a little while, but it doesn't last long and things go back to the way they were. Kind of a vicious cycle.

But recently he's been super sweet. I asked him if he was dying-then I asked if I was dying! LOL. He is a sweet guy, but he's usually not as verbal as he has been. Ok so to the shout-out. Over the weekend I came up with a schedule that I read out to him with things for him, myself and the kids to do. He had a glazed over look so I totally did NOT think he heard me. Well, I was wrong. When we got home yesterday he had thrown in a load of wash, emptied Maddie's back pack, helped her with her homework and packed her backpack. I know it doesn't sound like much but even if it only lasted that day it was great.

Exersise Plans: My youngest sister, the skinny bitch, is studying to be a phys Ed teacher. She is also getting her spin instructors and personal training license. So I decided that I should reap the rewards of her fancy education and she is going to train me 2x a week! Tomorrow is the first day. I'm excited......I hope this will help keep me honest. I want to lose 15 by the end of the year-

Ok, I have talked enough for now!

BYOC-

2010-10-01T10:17:00.002-04:00

1. Are you late, early or on time?

Early or On time. I hate people who are late. We may cut it close sometimes but I hate being late!

2. Name 3 things you dislike and 3 things you like:

Dislike: Bills!!! Working and bugs

Like: BLING!!! Things that are pink, and Fall

3. Are you a morning or night person?

Morning, but I need a full sleep to be my best self. I can't wait until the kids start to sleep in, I'm only asking for 7am-not too much to ask.

4. What is your favorite clothes store?

Right now I have been able to hit quite a bit in Old Navy or Macys the Style and CO. brand. I wish I had a little more variety. Walmart has some cute stuff for cheap I find that Targets doesn't really wash well.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in life and in blogland.

I miss Chicago. Everything about it. The weather, the people, the walking, the laughing. It really recharged my battery. The weather made me miss my family and where I'm from, and that then sent me into a mini depression knowing that I won't get that back. But that always happens. Whenever my family visits and then leaves I get depressed. I should be used to it by now. Getting back to real life is always hard after any trip so this week has been a bit of a blur!

6 Month Badiversary and Guess WHAT????

2010-09-30T11:58:00.002-04:00

According to the Dr.'s scale I have lost 40% of my excess weight!!! You can't see me but I am doing the happy dance! I had no idea that it was so much. The best part about the whole thing is that I haven't gained anthing back. Even at times when I felt I was struggling I was still on track. You have no idea how shocked I was when he gave me the info!

I was telling him and the ladies in the office about the BOOBS trip, and they thought it was as awesome as we did! He suggested that at the next one we contact Allegran (sp?) and see if they would sponsor anything. I couldn't stop myself from telling everyone about the trip and how much we had lost. I find it inspiring.

He gave me a fill, thank god. I feel great restriction in the morning but it wears away after a while. This makes fill #6 for me. Thanks for all the birthday wishes! So far this birthday has been a great one, except that I'm at work!!!!

The Troll

2010-09-29T20:05:00.002-04:00

Its really nothing, I'm just frustrated that there is someone out there just putting people down. I found out about the whole thing during the Chicago trip and it really fires me up. I was looking at some of the blog and its just ridiculous. Actually its sad. Its disappointing to me that some of the people I follow stick up for him using excuses for his behavior. I'll be over it shortly-its just that since I just found out its fresh in my head.

I don't want to fire anyone else up either, this was more of a vent/statement than anything else. We've spent the majority of our lives being judged, today on the news another kid killed himself because he was being bullied. I'm not saying that the situation is that drastic here on the blogs, but it shows that what you say/do matters to someone. It never killed anyone to be nice. And maybe thats just a pipe dream, but since my bday is tomorrow you should give it to me!

Trolls and drama

2010-09-29T15:39:00.001-04:00

Why do I let myself get sucked in?????

Weekend Wrap Up

2010-09-27T08:14:00.003-04:00

I was so nervous about Chicago. I was nervous leaving the kids, nervous that I wouldn't get along with anyone and about a million other things. But I made myself go because I knew that if I didn't I would regret it. And let me just say that I'm glad beyond words that I made myself go.

It was so surreal to meet everyone in person. We have been so intimate on the blogs telling each other some of our inner fears and doubts. Lets face it, these blogs are not only about weight loss they are about our everyday lives. I have never in my life felt so supported than I have these last 6months blogging.

Everyone that I met surprised me. I wish it could have been longer and that we could all just live together! I forget who mentioned it, so I can't give them credit, but one of the ladies compared it to being in a sorority. And it really was. I hope that we can do these types of events again. The women did an amazing job putting all of the details together so I want to give a little shout out to the planning committee. I know that after this weekend I have made some real friendships.

What time are you arriving to Chicago?

2010-09-23T11:12:00.002-04:00

My flight gets into Midway at 9:30am on Friday! I think I'll be to the hotel by 10 or 10:30. Anyone else?

I am so behind!

2010-09-21T11:25:00.001-04:00

I have off after today, so I will be catching up on the blogs. Who knew that things could get this crazy before a trip! I gave my husband the weekend off by taking the kids to my sisters, we have not quite recovered. Also I have a major toothache and think I need a root canal. :( I'm trying to get into the dentist but they don't come in until 1pm. Bastards. I've taken 4 advil, orajel and a darvecet (sp?) its not cutting it at all. It's ruining my days off.

OMG

2010-09-08T21:01:00.003-04:00

So, this weekend, yours truly is attempting to bike 11 miles. WHAT???!! Yes, ladies 11 miles. And no I have not trained, I have not even broken a sweat in months. What the heck am I thinking you might ask? I don't know. LOL

A group of girls at work are getting together to go so I am borrowing my sisters bike and giving it a whirl. I have not been on a bike since I was 11. Good Lord. What if I break her bike? Oh, God. What am I thinking? I hope I don't bite it. That would be embarrassing, of course I've done worse to myself in public.

They have tried to explain it to me but I don't understand why bikes have gears. The last bike I rode had had brakes where you pedaled backwards. What if I forget how to break? I think I'm crazy. One of the girls is a former fatty who got thin/fit the old fashioned way and looks amazing. She has threatened me with push ups if I whine any longer. Did I mention that I hate her?

Actually is it horrible that I like her more since finding out she used to be a fatty?

Quickie Vlog

2010-09-04T06:50:00.002-04:00

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

OMG it took forever to get this up!!!! Thats what she said...................

I feel like a celebrity!

2010-09-03T10:28:00.002-04:00

Can I tell you how awesome it is to be featured on the BOOBS blog? Seriously, these ladies have worked so hard to pull this together and I am so appreciative.

Band news: I'm down to 194.8. I should be following the rules better, but its a work in progress! I'm so nervous for BOOBS. I don't know why-I think I'm socially retarded. LOL.

Better get back to work, I'm going to try to vlog later because I dyed my hair, but I feel like its not quite the right color so I want some feedback! Til then.................

A turning point

2010-08-26T07:39:00.002-04:00

Thank you so much for your comments yesterday. They meant more to me than you know. Each one of you was right on. Its such a weird and complex journey. The silly part is if I read this post on someone elses blog, I would be saying the same things that you guys said. So why can't I say it to myself?

So, I'm pulling up my big girl panties and moving forward. Thank you for the kick in the ass. I needed it. I'd like to be in the 180's for Chicago so here we go!

I feel like I'm failing.

2010-08-25T07:17:00.002-04:00

I have re-written this post for what feels like a thousand times. Each time I write it I think I sound like a whiner. I feel like I am spiraling out of control with this process. I can't seem to deal with the head hunger or get myself to work out. I tried packing/planning all of my food yesterday and wound up binging anyway. I wasn't even really hungry. I'm disappointed that I haven't lost more weight, but at the same time I know I wouldn't have lost any had it not been for the band.

I feel a lot of fear right now. I'm afraid that this is not going to work or that I will never feel restriction. I'm afraid that I will never be able to just put something down when I'm not hungry. Sometimes feel like I want to scream. I try to remind myself that slow and steady means that you have made real life changes, not fad diet changes but I can't help but want it to happen NOW. I read everyones blogs about their 5k's, spin classes etc. and I'm envious. I don't know what my issue is. I don't want to join a gym because I don't feel comfortable in places like that. But there is plenty that I could do at home, its just that there is always an excuse. I feel like people who know I've had the band are staring at me. Judging because I haven't lost more-how could they not when I judge myself. I was watching that show Too fat for 15, and I couldn't get through the episode. It made me cry to see these kids with serious weight issues. I'm so afraid that if I don't make changes my kids are going to be fat. I don't mean to sound shallow, but I don't want that for them. Not only for the health risks but the social ones too.

Honestly I don't know why I'm posting this or what to do. I just need to get it off my chest.