Kind of a lengthy title don't ya think. I have really been slacking on posting. I think I'm afraid. Even as I sit here typing this out I want to delete it. I feel silly for how I'm feeling. But I can't make it go away. Just because I don't blog about it doesn't mean its not there. So what am I afraid of? At my last weigh in I was 205. 28lbs gone since starting the process on 3/9. Almost my lowest in the last 8-10yrs. You would think that I would be bursting with excitement. But I'm not. I'm not following the rules. My first of many confessions is that on my trip to Canada, I had 4 sodas. Not awful, but for me its like crack. I haven't been able to get off it. Last night was the first time I didn't have any. I had been pouring myself a baby cup, taking 2 sips and dumping the rest. I know thats not bad, but why am I doing it at all?? I don't need it. I just wanted it.
I've been eating way more than I should. Way faster than I should. I had my second fill last Thursday and I don't feel it at all. I don't know what I want from this. I should be able to not eat when I'm not hungry. I don't want to have to PB or slime in order to stop eating. I haven't exercised either. I'm going to Zumba tonight and I'm sure its going to kick my ass. I know that for me, in order to make it a lifestyle I need to make small changes. In "diets" past I would do everything perfectly for about 2 weeks and then fall off the wagon and never go back. So with this my plan was to take it one step at a time. But I feel like I'm drowning.
Why can't I break past this? Amy W.'s post last week really scared me. I don't want to change, but I kinda feel like I am. I've been wearing smaller clothes (not revealing, just not baggy), I've been doing my full makeup every day, etc. None of these are bad things, but I'm scared that things are going to change and I'll be looking around wondering what happend. I know I can't worry about what hasn't happend, but its hard. Maybe I'm sabatoging myself because getting under 200 is a place I haven't been in so long.
Maybe I just need someone to slap me. If you've hung in with me this long-thank you. Thanks for letting me vent. I know this was sort of a rambling post.