Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Not sure whats wrong exactly, but I know something is

Kind of a lengthy title don't ya think. I have really been slacking on posting. I think I'm afraid. Even as I sit here typing this out I want to delete it. I feel silly for how I'm feeling. But I can't make it go away. Just because I don't blog about it doesn't mean its not there. So what am I afraid of? At my last weigh in I was 205. 28lbs gone since starting the process on 3/9. Almost my lowest in the last 8-10yrs. You would think that I would be bursting with excitement. But I'm not. I'm not following the rules. My first of many confessions is that on my trip to Canada, I had 4 sodas. Not awful, but for me its like crack. I haven't been able to get off it. Last night was the first time I didn't have any. I had been pouring myself a baby cup, taking 2 sips and dumping the rest. I know thats not bad, but why am I doing it at all?? I don't need it. I just wanted it.

I've been eating way more than I should. Way faster than I should. I had my second fill last Thursday and I don't feel it at all. I don't know what I want from this. I should be able to not eat when I'm not hungry. I don't want to have to PB or slime in order to stop eating. I haven't exercised either. I'm going to Zumba tonight and I'm sure its going to kick my ass. I know that for me, in order to make it a lifestyle I need to make small changes. In "diets" past I would do everything perfectly for about 2 weeks and then fall off the wagon and never go back. So with this my plan was to take it one step at a time. But I feel like I'm drowning.

Why can't I break past this? Amy W.'s post last week really scared me. I don't want to change, but I kinda feel like I am. I've been wearing smaller clothes (not revealing, just not baggy), I've been doing my full makeup every day, etc. None of these are bad things, but I'm scared that things are going to change and I'll be looking around wondering what happend. I know I can't worry about what hasn't happend, but its hard. Maybe I'm sabatoging myself because getting under 200 is a place I haven't been in so long.

Maybe I just need someone to slap me. If you've hung in with me this long-thank you. Thanks for letting me vent. I know this was sort of a rambling post.


  1. Oh, honey! Don't be so hard on yourself!! I think what you are feeling is completely normal - but I know that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Just know, that I also drink pop, don't exercise and sometimes eat when I'm not really hungry. But I also do all of those things with the mentality that I WANT to do it this way because I know, deep down, that it's the way I'm going to live my life - for the rest of my life. I know that this isn't just a 'diet'. I want to lose this weight in a way that is sustainable over the long term. I know I fail at exercise & eating perfectly...they are all the trappings of 'diet' mentality.
    Yes, it's taken me longer than most and I'm not PROUD that I'm not a perfect bandster...but I'm still a good bandster and I'm succeeding. YOU WILL TOO.
    As far as the changes go...change is inevitable. Thin or Chubby, everyone changes. You are going to be JUST FINE!

  2. Jenny,
    A few things from me and I am not the perfect bandster but I have done ok.

    As far as soda goes, my Dr has no issues with it. Are you drinking diet? If it is not diet then the only issue I would say is the extra calories? If it is diet, let it sit for a while and you will be ok drinking it, just not 4 cans a day.

    For the eating, you are not at your sweet spot, if you were you could not eat fast and eat too much. You will get there, dont beat yourself up.

    As far as exercise, yes it is best if you do it , can you loose weight wihtout it? yes but when you are ready you will do it. I only walk on the treadmill and I feel guilty but you know what it works for me.

    Change will come and you will handle it. This is a journey, dont be too hard on yourself and dont feel guilty.

    There are many times I have eaten way more chocolate and cookies than I should because they can go down but you know what? I move on and tomorrow is always another day

  3. The mental aspect of this is the hardest part. We all have one thing that tempts us and we give in - right now I've been eating when I'm not hungry. These habits may never completely die, but we'll earn to manage them to be successful. As you said, diets didn't work for you because the minute you weren't perfect you gave up (like all of us). So don't put that pressure on yourself again. The under 200 thing is scary - it was a huge battle for me, but I'm here now and I'm OK. One of the biggest accomplishments for me is that I've lost 85 pounds without never eating or having a treat and that is huge.
    You're doing great!

  4. Don't be so hard on yourself. It's a process! Hang in there, but don't obsess about something that's already done.

  5. I can't talk from experience, but from what I've read, perfection isn't necessary for success. I know in some ways it probably seems like you've had the band forever, but it's only been a couple of months. Give yourself time.

  6. You are not going anywhere young lady! :0)

    I stood in the kitchen counter this week and shoved french fries in my mouth until i felt a 'traffic jam' in my chest..

    Weak moments happen and i'm sure they'll keep happening for the rest of my life..

    ..we're not at the sweet spot yet.. so just hang on ..and it will happen for you..

  7. Remember change occurs as a process, a little bit at a time.. I think what you have shared is completely normal and we can all relate to it in one way or another.
    Give yourself a hug and remind yourself that you are on this journey for you.. and that change will happen.. be there to embrace it... hugs

  8. i could have written some of this post. I know I eat when I'm not hungry, I have no restriction and drink with my meals. So I'm not perfect either. I don't think anyone is absolutely perfect all the time with the band. Just think you have lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time that you probably wouldn't have lost otherwise. Hang in there baby!

  9. I love reading your blog! I just had mine placed last week and am still a newbie but love learning from those ahead of me:) Keep your chin up and your sweet spot will be here before you know it! Join me on my blog!!

  10. I'm right there with you with no restriction, eating just because I can sometimes and even drinking soda. Granted, I'm at one fill and I'm a few weeks behind you but I completely understand where you are coming from.

    Welcome to bandster hell.

    We'll get through this. By writing blogs like yours and mine, mere seconds apart today, we'll get through this. But whatever you do - don't beat yourself up. See your choices for what they are. Ask yourself before you drink the soda if you want it or need it. If it's simply that you want it, are you ok with the potential consequences? If yes, then drink up. I do. My 1/3 of a can of Dr. Pepper allows me to feel like I'm still in control and that matters to me. But it's a 1/3 of a can so it's not a calorie killer. See the positives in what you are doing. 2-3 sips now vs. 3 cans before. That's HUGE! That's progress.

    This isn't about deprivation. Deprivation will make you rebel eventually. I will NEVER say 'no soda ever' to myself. Because if I do, at 34, then I'm likely to throw this whole thing out the window and now, rebellion will cause harm in more ways than weight gain. So I'm trying to be smart about what I choose. Yes to the soda, but a very limited amount. And not fighting it, allowing it, even, is actually helping me to not think about it - which translates some days to not even a sip gets consumed.

    Hang in there. We'll get through this!

  11. So I'm not banded yet but wanted to send some support your way. I follow a lot of these blogs and the one thing they all have in one is perfect! If they (we) were perfect, we would never have needed a band to begin with. I agree with others...don't be so hard on yourself. You're still doing a great job! If you weren't, you wouldn't be losing weight at all!

  12. Keep blogging and you'll work through this. The band doesn't change who you are so it isn't surprising that the same issues that were there before are still around. You also don't have good restriction yet so your helpful tool is only doing so much. Keep plugging away - remember slow and steady wins the race. Also I know lots of bandsters drink soda. I don't think there are any studies or evidence that support the idea that it can cause band issues. Change is scary, but you can do this!

  13. Nice!, I am having a lot of the same feelings, these comments helped me, Thanks

  14. Jenny, everyone has moments of fear and unease about change, but isn't that what you wanted to do when you went through all that crap pre-op and then put your body through a major surgery? Change is inevitable. You are doing well. You feel good. You are in smaller clothes. Keep changing!!

  15. Take it a day at a time and cut yourself some slack.
    You're doing great and will continue to do great...just keep sharing without apologies...we've either been there or we will be soon.

  16. I agre with everyone else...don't be so hard on yourself. This is not a is a lifestyle and you have to be able to have things from time to time without feeling guilty. Thanks for sharing

  17. We've all been there. I think the majority of us are type A perfectionsists who have somewhat unrealistic expectations for ourselves. So, you are among friends here! I constantly have to remind myself to be gentle with myself. You'll work it all out, getting it out and sharing this shows that you are going down a different and long lasting path to health.