Getting to know you......

I'm so excited that I have some followers! Thought I would take a tip from Mary and do a get to know you session.

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:30am
2. How do you like your steak? Medium well
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? The Princess and the Frog
4. What is your favorite TV show? The office!!
5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Somewhere where I'm rich
6. What did you have for breakfast? cheesy toast (I didn't go to the grocery store so it was bare bones today)
7. What is your favorite cuisine? Italian
8. What foods do you dislike? not enough!
9. Favorite Place to Eat? A Chinese place back home, and I love the Melting Pot desserts!
10. Favorite dressing? Blue Cheese
11. What kind of vehicle do you drive? Dodge Caravan - the loser cruiser or LC for short
12. What are your favorite clothes? my oversized comfy ones!
13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Australia
14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Truly depends on the day
15. Where would you want to retire? Anywhere!!!
16. Favorite time of day? Once the kids go to sleep
17. Where were you born? Oceanside, NY
18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Football
19. Are you a morning person or a night person? morning
20. Do you have any pets? a dog-we have a love hate relationship
21. What did you want to be when you were little? a teacher
22. Are you married? Yes, 5yrs. 10yrs together.....good lord!
23. Any pet peeves? probably too many
24. Favorite Pizza Toppings? black olive
25. Favorite Flower? Dahlias
26. Favorite ice cream? coffee or chunky monkey
27. What are you listening to right now? TV
28. What is your favorite color? pink
29. How many tattoos do you have? 1 on my shoulder. I want to get another.
30. Coffee Drinker? Iced!!

Not sure this helps anyone get to know me better, but its still fun! Happy Sunday!

The numbers game

I'm a little irritated. I have to play the BMI number game because my weight is just short of the required 40BMI. I do understand why they have the cut off, but can you really tell me that at 5lbs less I'm so much healthier? Or at 5lbs less I'd be able to do this myself? I'm just frustrated because I have had to gain a little to qualify and I feel like crap. I've known this and been working on it. ha, ha. You would think that gaining the weight and having my last ha-rah (sp?)would be fun. But I'm freaking miserable. My female stuff is totally off, sorry for the TMI but I feel we are friends now. My clothes do NOT fit, I'm tired and just plan unhappy.

I know that this will pass, and unfortunately it is neccessary for me to get it through the insurance. And I know that I'm very lucky to have insurance that is willing to cover it. I'm just being McCrabby.

And there you have it. Do you still want to be my friend??? lol

New Seminar Scheduled

I'm going to a new seminar for another Dr. He's not as convenient as the first guy, but they don't have the $525 fee. I just don't think that we can come up with that upfront, so I'm hopeful that this new guy will work out. The seminar is 3/2.

I'm getting really anxious reading about everyone success's and I don't know how much longer I can be in the researching phase. I've never been very good about being patient and this has been no exception. I think I'm just so tired of being fat. I've almost become obsessed thinking about where I could be a year from now-even a couple of months from now that I almost can't stand to be in this body any longer. I don't know if that makes much sense to anyone. I'm still trying to work on some of the stuff that the therapist has suggested. It's weird because I never thought that this would help, but I'm really getting a lot out of it.

I need to work a little more on making this blog more interesting. Tickers and such-but I'm so not technologically inclined! lol. Maybe I'll work on that this weekend?

Have a great Thursday!

February 24th

Five years ago today I had my baby girl! I can't believe it has been 5yrs. I'm leaving work early to go and get some balloons and party plates. We're combining their birthdays again this year, since they are only a few weeks apart. He will be four, I won't be able to stand that either.

Her birthday wish list was a cat, a car (yes, no typo. at 5 she wants a car), a TV with a remote for her room and rollerskates. LOL. We're taking them on Saturday to the zoo as a surprise and I think on Sunday I'm going to make some kind of gooey facial/pedicure stuff and treat her to a homeade spa experience. She loves the girly stuff.

So no real news, just wanted to say Happy Birthday to my daughter. I saw this quote once that said having children is like having your heart walk outside of your body for the rest of your life. Or something to that effect. Its moments like this that I totally get that. She was so happy today to have her special day. It almost makes me cry to see her so happy sometimes, and then other times I'm tearing my hair out because she is drivig me crazy! Such is life!!

External Motivators

Today I had my second therapy appointment. While there I totally had an "aha" moment. I now know what it feels like to be on Oprah. I never realized how much of what we did as kids transfers into what we do today. I never really bought into that until today. I always knew that I was a procrastinator, but until recently I didn't really realize how this was effecting my family and my weight.

Today in the therapy session, we talked about this issue. We were talking about how when you have this much weight to lose, you think oh one more _______(insert food of choice) won't hurt because I'm already so big. I rationalize it, but really I'm just procrastinating. That part of my "diet" will start tomorrow, one more won't hurt or anything else. And then I get so overwhelmed because I've put it off for so long that I take an all or nothing approach. Ok, so I've rambled but while I was sitting there I thought about all of the stuff I do at home or in my personal/work life that fits this scenario.

The therapy term for this is deemed as needing "external motivation." I need an external motivator to get my behind in gear. For example, the laundry. I wait until we are out of socks before I do the wash. Why-because I hate laundry. Its unrewarding, never ending and just plain annoying. Most people do tasks they don't like just because they need to be done. No one likes laundry, but its part of being a grown up. There are tasks like this all over my life. Including but not limited to eating healthy and excersise. The therapist asked me what external motivator I'm looking for before I'll make these changes. Diabetes, heart disease, death?

The truth is I don't know. I don't know if I have a rock bottom. I know that I want to be normal. I want to be able to shop in a regular store, and play with my kids. I want to feel better about myself. I guess that's what attracted me to the band. Its an external motivator. It keeps you in check to a certain extent. Don't get me wrong I know its not a magic pill I don't mean it that way. But after today's session I also realized that without learning how to get internally motivated I won't succeed. I need to want all of those things more than food. I need to find a way to reinforce that any accomplishment big or small is one step closer to being healthy. So the homework until next time is to start small. One thing each night and make a list the night before with what I want to accomplish for the next day.

Sorry for the length in this one, and if you've hung in there til the end Thanks!!

Another Seminar

I found another seminar with another doctor for March 2nd. I'm going to try to call his office tomorrow to see if they have any fees so I don't waste my time. We'll see!

On the homefront: both of the kiddos are sick. Sinus infections. Thank goodness we were able to get an anitbiotic. I hate when you go to the doctor and they can't give you anything except "wait and see". This week has been kinda busy. I'm ready for Friday. Actually 5 o'clock on Friday. I love my kids and my husband but sometimes I think they are slowly sucking the life out of me. lol I used to be cool. I used to stay up past 9:30! Now I have kids music on my ipod and a mini van. Good Lord, a mini van.

No decisions yet

I haven't made any decisions yet. I had a really bad week at work last week and its continuing into this one, so its been a little stressful. We had a nice and quiet Valentines day with the kids probably the only thing that kept me sane.

I hope to be able to decide something soon. The office with the $525 fee is convenient for a lot of reasons, so if DH thinks that we can swing it I may just stay with him. We've got both kids birthdays coming and the plan is to do the Disney 4day passes. This way we can go for DD who will be 5 this month and my DS next month who will be 4. Can I tell you how much it makes me want to cry that they are this old. Ugh, and she asked me to PROMISE her that when she is old enough I will buy her a car. Seriously before 7am! I said, get a job.

One step forward.......50 steps back.

I think the positivity is out the window at this point. My sister and her boyfriend were coming over to watch the kids at 9 so DH and I could go to the seminar. At 9:05 my sister texted to say that the BF had locked his keys in the trunk. ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

Ok, plan B. Take the kids to sisters apt. which fortunately is close to the seminar. At this point I'm feeling better. Annoyed but better. The seminar begins, great info-as expected I knew a lot of it. But I do think that it was helpful for the DH. Surgeon leaves; bring on the case manager. I think I'm in the all clear because I have insurance. All of the sudden she says "and your first visit to Dr. D is $525 it is not covered by insurance."

WHAT? Did I just hear correctly? I did not see this on the website. In the 500 calls I made to the office no one mentioned this. $525.00?? $FIVE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS?

This puts a serious monkey in the mix. The kids birthdays are this month and next month and we planned to buy disney tickets which takes almost all of our extra money for a little while. I don't know when/if we will be able to pull it off. The money covers their administrative time, a dietician visit and the surgeons time. I'm very frustrated. I know that I can still pursue this process it will just take longer, but I'm really feeling down. I realize that I'm lucky insurance covers it at all.....but the money of course is due at your first visit. I just wasn't expecting this. It was a real disappointment. Other people were surprised too, which made me feel like at least I wasn't alone. My sister joked and said I should host a fundraiser! Maybe I should sell some of my cards (I'm a Stampin' Up! demo).

I just need some time to digest this. Thanks for letting me vent.

One more day!

First things first; I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has read/commented on my little blog! You have all been really sweet. I'm so excited about this process and its great to talk to people who are in the same boat! I can really see that this will be very helpful to me.

Although I'm bummed about not getting the automatic all clear, I'm glad. I really think that working with this therapist will give me a better chance at being successful. And I'm trying to focus on the positive. She never said she wouldn't write it.

Tomorrow is my seminar! WooHoo! I don't know why I'm so excited but I totally am. I really hope that this helps my DH understand what this is all about. Bless his little head, he thinks I'm fine the way I am. Which is a good thing-please don't think I'm complaining. But he's never known me to be smaller. When we met, I was 175 (which right now I'd kill for) but its still on the overweight side. I know he's worried about the risks involved, but I hope that when he meets the surgeon he feels more confident. I know he will stand by me regardless, but I want his approval. I think this journey is hard and we need all the support we can get!

I'll letcha know how it goes!!

Sometimes the truth hurts.........

The meeting went well with the therapist, but she decided that I'm not ready yet. She thinks that I need to prove something to myself that I can do this. So she has given me a challenge. She wants me to exercise every day until our next meeting on February 22nd. I was upset at first about not getting the automatic all clear, but its for the best. I thought about going back to therapy once banded but why not start now? I think ultimately it will help to keep me focused.

The hardest part was her telling me that what I'm doing currently is hurting my kids. Even though I knew this it was very hard to hear. I want to be the best version of myself that I can be. So the plan is to walk with the dog or go up and down our stairs at night if I can't walk at lunchtime. And on the weekend I would like to try to incorporate the kids into something. Saturday is the seminar and I'm still very excited. My DH is going with me and I hope that I can get in quickly to meet the surgeon.

The motto is still Keep Moving Forward!

Ha, Ha where is the hidden video crew?

My appointment is first thing in the morning and I have a half flat tire.

Half flat because the nail is keeping it from completely defating.

If this is a test for how badly I want this to work out-its not very funny.

Hi, my name is Jennifer and I have irrational meltdowns......

The psych eval is now scheduled for Thursday at 9:30am. I was so lucky to find another therapist so quickly. This lady sounded awesome over the phone. I am thankful.

Another issue of mine that I will share is that I go from zero to sixty quickly. I am working on trying to stay calm and enjoy the process but I am always in a hurry. I was so worried yesterday that my journey which hasn't even started would be over. I know its irrational. I feel better today. Has anyone read the book, the monster at the end of this book by Grover. Well its not really by Grover himself, but he tells the story. Anywhoo, he's so afraid of what happens at the end of the book that he gets all worked up over nothing. That was me yesterday. I was Grover.

So the way it stands now is psych eval Thursday, seminar on Saturday. Have a good one!

Seriously?? Seriously??

So I received a phone call from the psych office that they couldn't see me tomorrow because they haven't received the paperwork and she is going to refer me to someone else. Ok, what paperwork? So I call the office back and get a girl who obviously has no clue how important this is. So I ask, what paperwork are you waiting on? She says she doesn't know. Ok, when is the paperwork supposed to come in? Again, I don't know. Ok, when can the dr. call me back? I don't know, well you're not coming in for your appointment tomorrow so how about then? REALLY, did she REALLY just say that to me????

I am very frustrated. I am going to call back tomorrow morning and find out what they heck is going on. And the woman they referred me to is not on my insurance. So thanks for helping.

I just had this vision of where I was supposed to be and how this would all go and now, instead of Italy I'm in Holland. (Dear Abby had a great article for this. It was pregnancy geared but I think it applies to life)

Needless to say I would like to now go and eat my feelings.

Self Sabatoge??

So tomorrow is my psych eval and I can't find the time of the appointment. UGH!! I know I wrote it down. I called and left a message for the Dr. early this morning. Hopefully she will call me back tonight and let me know. Oh, and I have apparently lost my phone. Oh, well. I'm sure she will call and I'm sure I will find the phone.

I'll let you know how tomorrow goes!!

Psych Eval

Tuesday I will be having my psych eval. Is it wrong to be excited? Then on Saturday I have them seminar. I'm kind of doing this a little backwards but I figured why not get the eval out of the way. I'm so anxious.

We got the kids a new movie, Cloudy with a chance of Meatballs. Very cute.

Not much else to report.........Happy Superbowl Sunday!

Thank you!

Just want to give a shout out to Julie for being my first follower!!! lol

Ramblings......

Ok, so I am not a patient person. We have established this. I have too much time to doubt myself. If I couldn't do it before WLS what makes me think I can do it with WLS? That is the question on my mind today. I don't really have an answer. The only thing that I can say is that I have been reading/stalking a lot of blogs over the past week and I really see myself in these people. Their experiences may not be exactly like mine but the feelings are the same.

To be honest, I don't know if this will work for me or not. But I do know the way that I feel when I see the success stories. I have this overwhelming feeling of "that could be me". Not one that I have ever had before. I have seen plenty of before and afters of people on the many diets I have tried, but this is different, this feeling is different. I see the hard work that they have put into their journey-I do not have rose colored glasses. I am worried about the approval process with my insurance company. But I am trying to have faith that if this is the right thing for me then it will work out. I can't say that I won't be disappointed because that would be lying.

I know that I will have ups and downs wherever this journey takes me. I have no roadmap for this. I just have a feeling. A feeling that maybe this time it could be different for me.

"There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay on the path while others tell you who you are? Or will you label yourself? Will you be honored by your choice? Or will you embrace your new path? Each morning you choose to move forward or to simply give up."

This is a quote from One Tree Hill. (love that show even if I'm too old to watch it!) I think that this is perfect for where I am right now. I have decided that I am tired of fighting the same battle over and over again. So I have a choice, I can continue an unhealthy lifestyle or I can seek the help that is being offered to me. I have thought about the lap band surgery off an on for a long time. I put it off because I thought it was the "easy" way out. Now that I have really researched it I realize that it is nothing like that. There are still hard choices to make and you can still mess up. But its a tool to help you. Like so many others I have tried numerous diets/programs and I've been able to lose about 20lbs. But then life happens. And here I am, 15 years after my first diet still "trying".

No sob stories here. My weight is my responsibility. I can't blame genetics or say that I make good choices but still gain. The truth is I make bad choices because its easier. I took the first step by signing up for a seminar on Feb. 13th. I am so nervous and excited all at the same time. My DH is coming with me so I feel better. (one of my many issues-I don't like to go it alone). I scheduled my psych eval for next week so I can get that out of the way. I hate being patient.

I guess this is it for now. Just wanted to get this started. Thanks for listening!