Today I had my second therapy appointment. While there I totally had an "aha" moment. I now know what it feels like to be on Oprah. I never realized how much of what we did as kids transfers into what we do today. I never really bought into that until today. I always knew that I was a procrastinator, but until recently I didn't really realize how this was effecting my family and my weight.
Today in the therapy session, we talked about this issue. We were talking about how when you have this much weight to lose, you think oh one more _______(insert food of choice) won't hurt because I'm already so big. I rationalize it, but really I'm just procrastinating. That part of my "diet" will start tomorrow, one more won't hurt or anything else. And then I get so overwhelmed because I've put it off for so long that I take an all or nothing approach. Ok, so I've rambled but while I was sitting there I thought about all of the stuff I do at home or in my personal/work life that fits this scenario.
The therapy term for this is deemed as needing "external motivation." I need an external motivator to get my behind in gear. For example, the laundry. I wait until we are out of socks before I do the wash. Why-because I hate laundry. Its unrewarding, never ending and just plain annoying. Most people do tasks they don't like just because they need to be done. No one likes laundry, but its part of being a grown up. There are tasks like this all over my life. Including but not limited to eating healthy and excersise. The therapist asked me what external motivator I'm looking for before I'll make these changes. Diabetes, heart disease, death?
The truth is I don't know. I don't know if I have a rock bottom. I know that I want to be normal. I want to be able to shop in a regular store, and play with my kids. I want to feel better about myself. I guess that's what attracted me to the band. Its an external motivator. It keeps you in check to a certain extent. Don't get me wrong I know its not a magic pill I don't mean it that way. But after today's session I also realized that without learning how to get internally motivated I won't succeed. I need to want all of those things more than food. I need to find a way to reinforce that any accomplishment big or small is one step closer to being healthy. So the homework until next time is to start small. One thing each night and make a list the night before with what I want to accomplish for the next day.
Sorry for the length in this one, and if you've hung in there til the end Thanks!!