Not sure whats wrong exactly, but I know something is

Kind of a lengthy title don't ya think. I have really been slacking on posting. I think I'm afraid. Even as I sit here typing this out I want to delete it. I feel silly for how I'm feeling. But I can't make it go away. Just because I don't blog about it doesn't mean its not there. So what am I afraid of? At my last weigh in I was 205. 28lbs gone since starting the process on 3/9. Almost my lowest in the last 8-10yrs. You would think that I would be bursting with excitement. But I'm not. I'm not following the rules. My first of many confessions is that on my trip to Canada, I had 4 sodas. Not awful, but for me its like crack. I haven't been able to get off it. Last night was the first time I didn't have any. I had been pouring myself a baby cup, taking 2 sips and dumping the rest. I know thats not bad, but why am I doing it at all?? I don't need it. I just wanted it.

I've been eating way more than I should. Way faster than I should. I had my second fill last Thursday and I don't feel it at all. I don't know what I want from this. I should be able to not eat when I'm not hungry. I don't want to have to PB or slime in order to stop eating. I haven't exercised either. I'm going to Zumba tonight and I'm sure its going to kick my ass. I know that for me, in order to make it a lifestyle I need to make small changes. In "diets" past I would do everything perfectly for about 2 weeks and then fall off the wagon and never go back. So with this my plan was to take it one step at a time. But I feel like I'm drowning.

Why can't I break past this? Amy W.'s post last week really scared me. I don't want to change, but I kinda feel like I am. I've been wearing smaller clothes (not revealing, just not baggy), I've been doing my full makeup every day, etc. None of these are bad things, but I'm scared that things are going to change and I'll be looking around wondering what happend. I know I can't worry about what hasn't happend, but its hard. Maybe I'm sabatoging myself because getting under 200 is a place I haven't been in so long.

Maybe I just need someone to slap me. If you've hung in with me this long-thank you. Thanks for letting me vent. I know this was sort of a rambling post.

Weigh in and BYOC

Drum roll please......................205-Not bad considering that I have been a naughty naughty bandster. I have 4 sodas on my trip (they help me on the plane), alcohol and no limit to my food and desserts on the trip either. But we walked all over so that helped.

BYOC

1) If you had 3 wishes, what would they be and why?

-The first would be curing cancer. It scares me to death and I hate it.
-The second would be to be out of debt. Its our own fault but sometimes I feel like it strangles me.
-The third would be that my kids live a good life. Happy with what they do and are loved by their significant others.



2)If you had all the money in the world, and perfect circumstances, how many children would you have and what sex?

This one is funny because I'm going through a phase where I really want another baby. Ultimately I would love for my daughter to have a sister and my son to have a brother. So if we could pick sex and money was no object I would say one more of each!

3) Have you ever faked it?

Yes, not often I can probably count them on one hand.

4)What movie character do you think you look like?

This one I don't know. I've been told Valerie Bertanelli, Tiffany Thiessen-Not sure if I agree.


5)Which blog or comment spoke to you?

Amy W. really made me cry this week. I think she is going through one of my biggest fears. I keep telling myself that I won't change, but I can't really be sure. I hate to see people in pain and you can tell that this is tearing her up. Its not glamorous all of the time.

Also, Draz's blog about deppression. What makes me sad is that we all (myself included) hold ourselves to such a high standard. Its so hard to admit that we aren't perfect or that we can't do it all. I want to hug everyone that had a hard week and make it even, its the Libra in me.


If I would only practice what I preach. I actually told the dr. yesterday when he asked me if I wanted a fill that I didn't know if I deserved one. He said its not about deserving anything the band is here to help you. Why can't I accept the help? Maybe that is a whole other post.

Detained for smuggling crackers?? Seriously??

So this is the infamous Customs story. Just got home from work so please ignore the lack of fresh make up! I notice that I blink a lot. hmmmmm....

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Update

I am going to try to do a VLOG tonight to share some of my customs hell experience. But I wanted to touch base. I knew that I should have been checking in while I was away because now I feel out of touch! I'm trying to catch up as best I can.

It was hard to be away from the kids, but the trip was great. I helped set up the registration table and check people in for the conference. We didn't venture very far from the hotel but it was right across from the falls so I had an awesome view. My mom and I walked over the the American side twice and walked through that park. We did the tourist thing and hit the Cave of the Winds. It allows you to get up next to the falls. We were a little too chicken to get up too close, but the water was so cold! And even though we weren't right up on it, you could feel the power of this water. It was incredible.

The hotel had historic photos. One of the photos included was of this woman, Annie Edson Taylor. She went over the falls at 63 years old! She survived with minor injuries. What would make a person do this? Cha-Ching! Thats right folks money. She thought she'd get famous. Unfortunately it did not pan out for Annie. But what a rockstar that at 63 she's barrelling over Niagara falls!

Okay. I'd better get to work. I will Vlog later gators!!

I made it back!

Honestly just barely. I will definately be blogging about the experience, but for now I just wanted to say a quick hello and let you know I have missed you all terribly!! I was hard not being able to check on everyone, but my computer was not working the way I wanted it to. I will be trying to catch up on the bloggies tomorrow.

God bless being back on American soil!! (No offense to my Canadian friends, it was really just a horrible customs experience.....I was almost detained and charged with smuggling over a package of crackers. :(

Update to the update!

First off thanks for the good vibes!! 2nd-he said its not infected it looks like the sutures seperated from the inside in the corner, but the wound is superficial. I get to stuff it with gauze twice a day and take an antibiotic! WooHoo!! (insert sarcasm)

At least I noticed it today and not tomorrow!!

Has this happend to anyone?

*****Update******

Thanks guys, I had a girl at work look at it and she said it looks infected. Not awful, but the beginning of one. So my appoinment is at 2pm (they had to move me back) and I will let you guys know. Thanks!


I woke up this morning and had some blood on my shirt. I was pretty sure that it was coming from my port incision, but I couldn't see anything so I put a bandaid on it. Fast foward to now, it is definately the port incision. Its bled into the bandaid. I called the dr. and they can see me at 1pm but I'm really nervous. I'm leaving for Canada tomorrow morning. Please tell me this is normal.

So much to update-

I think this is going to be a list one, because I have so much and not a lot of time!

• Went to my sisters with the kiddos. After a long (2.5 hr) car trip we went to the beach. I was so dilligent about putting sunscreen on the kids that I forgot myself! I look like a tourist. I kept calling myself the Lobstah Lady. Mainly my back (who knew the sun would pass through a chair fabric). My poor son, his trunks must have sunk down from all the water play and he has a little red line above his tush.
• Sunday we went shopping for my trip this week. I didn't want to buy a lot becuase I hope not to have much use for these sizes for too long. We went to Marshalls and Old Navy. I bought 3 tops........in an XL!! Shut your mouth! Yes, an XL. I can't honestly remember the last time I bought an XL and not an XXL top.
• I'm getting nervous abou this trip. I haven't ever been away from my babies for this long before. But I'm also really excited. I'll get to see my mom. We didn't always get along so I really enjoy these moments as an adult.
• I'm starting to think maybe I didn't have as much to tell.
• Ok, for a salatious topic. I totally cannot get over how much more we are having sex. It is consistantly once a week. I know that that doesn't sound like a lot, but for us it is. We used to go months, I don't know if it was because of me or him. Probably both. But now that I've started losing weight its more consistant. Which the negative side of me ponders if he wasn't attracted to me before. The rational side of me says of course he was, its you thats changing. Well then the negative side of me gets scared and says CHANGE! I don't want to change just because I'm getting healthy. :( Then my other personality yells at us all to shut up. Sex is good. Consistant is good. Change is inevitable.

Love you's!!

Weigh in day-

I weighed in today at 205.0 I'm down 2.6lbs which is great, so why am I not excited??

I have been pretty behind in blogging this week. I'm prepping for my first ever business trip. By prepping I mean making 200+ name tags. I know, you wish you were me. We were just informed us yesterday that they are selling out company. Which could be good, could be bad. Its a crap shoot. I am excited to get to spend some time with my mom, she is meeting me for a few days on the trip. There is not much we can do about the job situation until we know more, I'm just glad I had my surgery. Who know what benefits we will have if any. They could close us completely. I'm choosing though to ignore that and put into the universe that we will be purchased by an amazing company who shares my values.

Enough crying. I went to Zumba on Wednesday with my bestie neighbor Julie. Had a blast. We are going to try to up it to twice next week. I love going with her because she laughs with me (maybe a little at me too!), but we have a blast. It really makes it worth going.

The kids and I will be going to my sisters in Port St. Lucie for the weekend! I'm excited. I haven't really spent time with this sister in a while and I miss her. I'm hoping the weather will be nice so we can go to the beach and I can get my tan on!! I think this is it for now, BYOC later!!

My son

This is a vlog of my son singing a song they learned at school. I know I'm biased, but its so cute!

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

I bought my tickets!

I bought my tickets for Chicago!! I'm so excited and nervous all at the same time. I don't think I've ever really done a trip like this by myself. This is so far out of my comfort zone, but I would be so mad to miss out on the opportunity just because I was afraid to go.

This weekend was sort of a bust. I finally got the hubby to agree to go on a hike and we drove a half hour to get there and the park was closed. You would think that that would have been posted online, but that would be too easy. I didn't get any activity in this weekend because on Sunday I started to get some sinus crap that is totally kicking my ass. Oh, well. I'm still not feeling great so I don't know if I will get any in tonight, I might do the 1 mile Leslie Sansone thing, its only 15 minutes but at least it would be something and I wouldn't be pushing too hard.