2011 Can bite me.

So this is going to be a complete rant. Feel free to skip, I'm not offended.

• I have not done sh*t since my last fill. One excuse after another. If I could kick my own butt I would.
• My job is still stressful and I'm unsure how long the employment will last.
• We are filing bankruptcy and letting the house go into foreclosure. This is complicated. I'm ok with it, but its still a lot of stress.
• My grandfather is in the hospital. We are not sure how his health is going to go. He's older and at this point he is not living the life he wants. I've schedule a quick trip to NY to see them, but its a few weeks away and a lot can happen.
  
• We are cleaning out the house in preparation for what may come. This is therapeutic.

Thanks for letting me rant. I need to get back to the blogs. I feel like an addict that won't go back to their support group because they're embarrassed/ashamed of falling off the wagon. Ugh, I am a complainer.

Always something!

Okay, so we are in day 5 of the new year and already its been exciting-not.

Since my company sold us to another company I had my first opportunity to use our new insurance. The experience was amazing. (Insert sarcasm) Now I realize that there are people worse off than me but I need to vent. Our new company has chosen a "consumer driven plan" which basicly means that I am now doing the job of the insurance company and still paying more. We now have a deductible of $2250 and then once thats met they only cover 80% so you are still paying out of pocket. So Maddies sick visit was $90! I would like to go back for an adjustment but thats going to be $150. It just stinks when we used to have co-pays of $20. And the prescriptions went up also. One of Brians meds is $95 per month because there is no generic and since he takes it every day they require that you purchase 3months at a time.

Okay enough complaining. I'm trying to catch up on the blogs but I'm having some trouble so I apologize for not commenting as much. I'm working on it because I know how much the comments mean to me. I'm trying to take the stairs at work once a day. We are on the third floor so its a little something. And I'm trying to bump my water. I ordered some of those True Lemon/Lime/Orange packets that we got on the BOOBS weekend for my waters. I feel like they are much better than crystal light because they don't have any chemicals but all the flavor.

I'm sorry this was so random, I've been interrupted 100 times!! Enjoy your day!

Reflections

The end of the year always brings reflection. Good or bad it is what it is. I know that whatever happens in 2011 is up to me. I'm a huge Kelly Clarkson fan and one of her songs is really hitting home for me right now. Its called Sober. Its from one of her older albums but I wanted to share the lyrics. I think its about being sober from the intoxication of love, but for me being sober would be from the guilt and pressure I put on myself. Pressure to be the perfect wife/parent which I know is completely unattainable. I'll be lucky to get my kids through life with minimal therapy. I want to learn to let go in 2011........

And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over

And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

Getting back into the swing........

First of all thank you. The welcome back really made my day. I know its silly but I was worried that no one would even notice the post. So without dwelling, thank you.

On the weightloss front, I'm going to keep Friday as my weigh in day. Last time I got on the scale I saw 185. Not a huge loss or gain from the last post in October and given that its the holiday season and the stress I'm under I'm not disappointed with it. I know that I will get back on track. The DH wants to start eating better and exercising and I hope that he means it because it would really help to have a partner.

This is going to be a boring update because not too much is going on, but I need to get back into the habit!

This is awkward.

So I will just start from here. This has been a ridiculous couple of months. I let go of the blog world and I don't know why. I feel guilty about blogging again being gone so long, but I need to get back on track with things. I almost thought of giving the blog up completely. But then I thought that that would be something the old me would have done. Kind of like with the diets. Do well for a little while and then give up. I don't want to do that again. The truth is, I miss my bloggers. I could list a million reasons why I stopped blogging but I just think it boils down to the fact that I was depressed. When I get depressed I get introverted. I'll never be able to catch up so I'm just going to start over.

I'm ready for 2011. 2010 was filled with too many unknowns. Especially the last 6months. So here's to fresh starts.

Friday is weigh in day bullet style

• 188.2!!! Goodbye 190's! I'm so relieved. I was so nervous getting onto the scale this morning, because I thought those 180 numbers were a fluke the other days. So, minus the heartburn that I'm experiencing which I hope will subside, this fill is definately working. I feel a lot of restriction and its helping me to slow down and be more mindful. Since I know that I can't eat as much I find myself saying "Self, you can't eat much. Do you really want that _________(insert junk) or should you just eat your healthy lunch that you packed?" Don't get me wrong I still indulge but its usually something I really want, or after I've eaten my healthy stuff. Hopefully this fill will last longer than the others.
• I'm still working on getting the pictures for Jen to redo my blog. Its hard to find pictures that I like. I didn't want to be the fatty that puts pictures up of things because I hate how I look. I also didn't want to bombard with pics of my kids for the same reason. So I'm trying to come up with things that describe me or have meaning. Bear with me, I'll be working on that this weekend.
• On my last post. Dizzy's comment struck my heart. I'm not really ready to talk about it. Maybe I'll do a vlog so its not so long. Right now in this moment I can't. For the record though, I'm not upset with my husband. I know that he wants the best for me and I know that his heart is in the right place, because mine was when I asked him to get on meds. I know in my head that there is nothing wrong with medication. Thats why we have it. Maybe its admitting that I need it that I have trouble with. This is more of a vlog. Tell me now to stop talking. Please.

Holy Restriction Batman.....

So I have decided that I TOTALLY have restriction right now. Maybe a little too much but I am not willing to bet the farm on that just yet. I am able to get food down, I'm not sliming or PBing the only down side is I think the pain I'm feeling is heartburn. But not like the kind I had before I was banded. This is a sharper pain. But still I want to wait it out for a little while. I have an appt. with the doct 11/11 and if its still bad I may have him take a smidge out, but for now I will deal.

Tomorrow is weigh in day and I'm shooting for those 180's. They were still there this morning so we'll see. My exersise this week has been limited, but I am eating pretty well so I feel good about this week.

For something deeper. My husband told me last night that he thinks I should call the dr. and get back on some depression meds. I don't know how I feel about this. He wasn't being mean or rude, he's on them himself. But it makes me feel like less of a person somehow. I know that this is stupid considering advice that I have given out myself. But like everything its harder when its you. I'm still trying to process the comment from him. If I think about it long enough I burst into tears. So I try to ignore it, or make excuses. Some days I wonder what would happen if I just kept driving. Drive until I run out of gas.