A turning point

Thank you so much for your comments yesterday. They meant more to me than you know. Each one of you was right on. Its such a weird and complex journey. The silly part is if I read this post on someone elses blog, I would be saying the same things that you guys said. So why can't I say it to myself?

So, I'm pulling up my big girl panties and moving forward. Thank you for the kick in the ass. I needed it. I'd like to be in the 180's for Chicago so here we go!

I feel like I'm failing.

I have re-written this post for what feels like a thousand times. Each time I write it I think I sound like a whiner. I feel like I am spiraling out of control with this process. I can't seem to deal with the head hunger or get myself to work out. I tried packing/planning all of my food yesterday and wound up binging anyway. I wasn't even really hungry. I'm disappointed that I haven't lost more weight, but at the same time I know I wouldn't have lost any had it not been for the band.

I feel a lot of fear right now. I'm afraid that this is not going to work or that I will never feel restriction. I'm afraid that I will never be able to just put something down when I'm not hungry. Sometimes feel like I want to scream. I try to remind myself that slow and steady means that you have made real life changes, not fad diet changes but I can't help but want it to happen NOW. I read everyones blogs about their 5k's, spin classes etc. and I'm envious. I don't know what my issue is. I don't want to join a gym because I don't feel comfortable in places like that. But there is plenty that I could do at home, its just that there is always an excuse. I feel like people who know I've had the band are staring at me. Judging because I haven't lost more-how could they not when I judge myself. I was watching that show Too fat for 15, and I couldn't get through the episode. It made me cry to see these kids with serious weight issues. I'm so afraid that if I don't make changes my kids are going to be fat. I don't mean to sound shallow, but I don't want that for them. Not only for the health risks but the social ones too.

Honestly I don't know why I'm posting this or what to do. I just need to get it off my chest.

Just took the kids to school

I know its necessary, but it stinks. How did we get to Kindergarten? She was just born.

TGIF!

Does anyone know a sugar daddy who will adopt me?!

Just kidding-sorta.

Tattoo Pictures

The tattoo wraps around like an ankle bracelet. The four hearts are my sisters, me and my mom. The words are from a poem. The top of the foot hurt like crazy but I'm glad we did it!

Survivor.

That is what work feels like. A game of survivor. Everyone is out for themselves.

I'm going to call the Dr. today and see if I can get a fill. I just feel like I can eat anything I want. I need some restriction. I just need a little something to help me get through this hump. It makes me feel like I'm cheating. Isn't that weird. I got the band because need the help and now when I get fills I feel like I'm cheating. I just can't balance work, home and me time. I know that this will pass and I will get there I just don't see the way out right now. I think that that was part of the reason I stayed away from the blogs for so long. Almost like I didn't feel good enough to be here when I wasn't doing the work.

I'm so glad that its almost Friday. I need the weekends to regroup in my head. Right now there aren't any big plans but thats ok with me. Enjoy your Thursday!

I don't know where to start.

I feel like I'm starting over. Its so weird to have not blogged in so long. I miss everyone. I wanted to do a vlog-but I haven't gotten around to it. Maddie is starting Kindergarten next week so we have been busy back to school shopping. She is so ready. I'm not sure if I am. Chris will be starting VPK at the daycare that they go to. Not too much of a transition for him, but I think secretly he will miss seeing his sister throughout the day. Friday, I brought our dog back to the pound. The dog and I have had a love/hate relationship since we got her 2yrs ago. I kept thinking that it would get better but it never did. It was much harder to do than I thought. I haven't sobbed like that since my grandfather passed away. I haven't been able to get rid of her pillow yet. Damn dog.

This past weekend my mom, my two sisters and I all got a tattoo together. I'll post some pics later. Its around the ankle, hurt like crazy but we love it. We had the tattoo guy cracking up the whole time. At one point I said that they should forget the Kardashians and start taping us! My mom has the kids until Wed night. So excited for a mini break. Then in the middle of the night last night our A.C. broke! Of course!! But you know what that means-out to dinner for me! Hopefully they can get it fixed today.

On a band note, things have been stagnent. It stinks, but its totally me. My heart has not been in it due to some stress. I'm trying to make better choices and I haven't gained anything back but I am holding steady at 196-197. The job has been awkward. The new boss is treating me nicely so far, it could be because we are on a hiring freeze. ha! But it has been extremely awkward with the old boss. A lot of drama. They are also still making decisions as a company to sell us so we don't really know whats going on with that either. My internet time has been limited which is another reason its been hard to blog. There is just so much uncertainty here right now, everyone is playing survivor.

Hope to vlog later with pictures!